The Thunder To Your Storm

3. Trust me, or don't (1)

I wish I had the capacity to stand up for myself.
But i can't
I don't have it in me
I'm always at a loss of words when I'm in a situation like this
If I was getting bullied by someone else, then i would probably say something, and maybe even try to put them back at their place
But no...
It had to be you
The only friend I trusted at the school, at that exact moment
Someone who i always cared about, since you were new, at least in my eyes
You were positive, funny, neutral, and so interesting. You shared me your likes, either it was talking about your favorite dessert, or about the YouTuber you watched most
And I, respected all of it, heck i would even tolerate anything, just for you
Because you were the first male friend i had in all my goddam life
And oh gosh, you were so supportive for all my decisions
Damnit C, since when did you had so much hatred against me?!

. . .

I was shocked
The feeling, the horrible feeling of being betrayed
And even worse, getting betrayed of someone you trusted the most
Yes, that hurts a lot
My mind was yelling at me to do something
But it can be helped
You were forced after all
And i know it's not your fault
You act like you don't care, when in reality i see your eyes starting to drown, and with them, your thoughts, your fears, everything
You want to be accepted by anyone
So you need to mistreat me, so everyone will see you are not friends with a girl anymore
And by doing so, you gained that inexistent "respect" from others
At what cost thought?
Our friendship...
The only thing we shared that year with each other at the moment, because problems would join us in the future.

. . .

I'm sorry
I snapped
I can't take this anymore
It seems like i never saw your problems and the situation you were in from another perspective
I may not fully understand it, but i don't tolerate it, no more
Please, at least see it from my point of view too
I tried to comprehend the situation, yet failed
But I'm in a awful position
My mind doesn't process the information
I can't stop this
And I'm getting beaten up because of it
You brought this to yourself
I never liked you nor anyone in this place
All of you are wrong
All of you are wrong ...
We all are ...
Our actions got the best of us
You laughed at me, with your friends beside you.
The look you had in your face was proud because of it,
Yet i sensed guilt on your eyes ...
I knew you from so long, how couldn't i notice it?
I gritted my teeth as a result of bottling all my emotions, made my head turn around, and with tears in my eyes i yelled.
- I hate you!
I said with a harsh voice, a voice that expressed disappointment in the result of our relationship

Your face
It had another expression
Was it always there or...?
- (Damn it)
I thought
My words pierced your heart
It was a stab, in some way
A stab accompanied by guilt, delusion, and... Sorrow

- (I didn't mean it!)
I wanted to say
But who am I to go against the truth?
I said nothing
And watched your expression getting gloomy, to the point where, if it wasn't for your friends, i would probably run to you and give you a hug
- (I'm here)
- (We are alright)
- (I forgive you)
Words that never came out from my mouth
Instead, they stayed with me
Just for me to listen to them again and again
Like and old broken radio

I didn't give you a hug
You looked back at me, after your friends knocked of your gloomy expression
Our eyes met
And with it
We saw all the things, ideas, thoughts, dreams, we wanted to share together.
We are never gonna be friends again, i took a guess
And so, you ran off
And I stayed there
Thinking we should have never been friends since the start, and mourning my head with that thought

. . .
At the end of the day, you were fine
You found a new friend
Another girl

I felt nothing
We both had the need to heal
And i didn't care the way you choose to do it ...
Because in reality, i never healed
I didn't know what was that
And so, i mourned myself again, with all those horrible thoughts

Up to this day, I'm still weakened of our situation

And nonetheless I wouldn't mind repeating it at all

I'm glad we somehow worked things out ...
I'm lying
We distanced ourselves from each other. We never talked again
And yet, i wish I could talk to you again.
Wishing you the best, Carlos

. Two birds

- of a feather
- in a wire