Confession Tour

One of those days

I have never had a boyfriend or a secret lover, yet I have felt heartbreak. I have never really said I love you to people, unless I am joking. I get uncomfortable when people say they love me. I have never really been the best in a crowd or the center of attention, but I have felt insecure even when nobody is looking at me. I have never actually had a real conversation with someone, mostly because I have learned to be a different person in my own body. I have never actually felt successful, maybe because I feel like there are other people who have accomplished so much more than me. Life has become a comparison journey for me as I become someone who is not ME. As I am writing this, I wonder who is gonna be reading this, dont people have better things to do. I am saying this because I feel like this is the shittiest thing they will ever read. Are the people I know or once knew going to be thinking differently of me. Are they going to wonder why they are friends with freak. Who is hung up on the idea of enjoying life to the fullest, but is suffering through every day of her life. I don't know, and as I write this I don't care. Its one of those days when I want to vent, which is very hard for me to do. I can't express my feelings by saying them to someone close to me, because I have learned to NOT vent, because I tell myself that I am not that type of person. Because I feel like they are going to judge me, because they will think that I don't know how to get my shit together. A thought just crossed my head, isn't this like a diary thing where I vent. But then again I am not the type of person who has time to write down things constantly. This is that one time of the year, where I need to step out of my comfort zone to look at myself from the outside behind the facade. I am scared to read through what I have written because I am too cowardly to face the truth. I am going to end this now, because I feel like people are getting bored. Which I am sure they are. Nobody wants to hear someone like me vent, people have their own shit to handle. I guess this is my way, by sharing it with others, so I can tell myself “at least I am trying”. Goodbye.