do you remember? | johnny seo

5.

i haven't been able to stop thinking about her. the note i left her didn't explain anything; i wasn't even thinking clearly when i wrote it. i just knew i had to leave.

it was 4 am, that time when everything starts to blur together and nothing makes sense. i'm not even sure i meant the words that i wrote; "savannah—i love you, and i hope you understand. i'll see you soon." i wanted to get more in depth, but i knew she'd come looking for me if i told her where i was going. so i didn't.

i gave her a hint, i scrawled on the back of the wrinkled piece of binder paper: "remember your scarf?" bland, but meaningful enough to remember.

i had shoved random items of clothing into a duffle bag while savannah was sleeping peacefully, still under the impression i was resting beside her. i was in such a rush that i didn't even care which clothes i left and which ones i packed, for all i know i could have packed 4 shirts and 15 bottoms (which is actually what ended up happening).

when i arrived in chicago at 5 in the morning, i sat in the airport terminal for an hour, debating whether or not i should go back. she probably isn't even up yet, i could fly back, tear up the note, and climb back into bed like nothing ever happened.

but i didn't go back. i stayed in the airport terminal until the sun sank below the horizon, panting the sky with a color that reminded me of savannah. it was a light lavender, identical to her painted nails, the coffee mugs in her apartment. it was her.

i roamed around my home town, my duffle bag filled with 15 pairs of fucking pants i didn't need, slung around my shoulders. the walk to my parents house seemed impossible, so i called a cab and watched the world fly past me.

i hadn't checked my phone all day, even though i felt it vibrating against me the whole day, calls and texts and voicemails from savannah, wondering where i went. the urgency in the feeling of my phone ringing in my pocket made me almost rethink my decision, but i knew that i couldn't just come back at this point. it was too late.

i walked through my parents door barely breathing, memories and nostalgia crashing over me like a wave, suffocating and drowning me. walking through this exact door with savannah, three months ago seemed like a lifetime ago.

my parents greeted me with surprised faces and concerned smiles. i guess my bloodshot eyes and messy hair gave me away.

my mom hugged me and took my duffle bag, heading to my old room to get it ready. my dad patted my shoulder and offered me some food, to which i turned down.

i wandered into my old room, thanking my parents, and dreading the feeling of being back here.

i sat down on the edge of the bed, freshly made with a soft white down comforter. i took in the scene, just for time's sake; the pictures on the nightstand, the freshly painted walls, the the dresser in the corner of the room.

my eyes stayed fixated on the dresser. my mind wandered, wondering if the bright red scarf was still tucked away under the extra bed sheets.

a tingling sensation clawed it's way through my fingers, itching to open the drawer and look. but i climbed into bed instead, urging to push all memories about her visit out of my head. i clamped the pillow over my ears and squeezed my eyes shut, feeling the burning sensation of tears coming.

i just need to forget.