do you remember? | johnny seo

2.

my favorite thing about fall is the way the leaves fall; they just let go. it's a thoughtless act really, something they just do. it's natural.

i wish humans were like that. i can never seem to let go of anything. i carry everything in a mental backpack, constantly analyzing and reading into everything that's ever happened to me, for eternity.
it's almost like i'm living the past.

but in the present, i walk down a wet sidewalk, the frigid air biting at my exposed skin. the dead of winter in new york is almost unbearable. fall was three months ago, and i'm not sure i'll ever be able to enjoy it ever again

my head spins after a day of taking coffee orders and asking people questions like, "will that be with sugar?" and "for here or to go?".

today, i take an unfamiliar route, one that goes to my apartment, and not johnny's. i would walk there everyday after work, not going back to my apartment for weeks on end. he would wait for me in the bay window, and i would elatedly tell him about my day, my coffee mishaps, the privileged customers who would yell and bitch about anything and everything, and my boss who always insisted i do the best latte foam art.

he would listen with such intent that i was watching my words constantly; it was a little like walking on eggshells.

but i loved how he saw me. he could see when i was upset, when i really needed a hug, and when i just needed to fuck and not talk about anything.
now i close my apartment door behind me, and sigh into my heaving lungs. i haven't been taking good care of myself; it's really hard to do anything when everything reminds me of him. i can't eat because all of my favorite foods are the ones he introduced me to. i can't shower because it reminds me of the showers we used to take together, massaging each others heads with shampoo and drawing hearts on the steamy glass doors. i can barely talk to my friends anymore because all of my friends are the ones he introduced me to.

if johnny were here right now, he would know exactly what to do. that's what i miss the most about him.
****
i forget to eat, so i sit on the edge of my bed that hasn't been slept in for months. the sheets are still soft, but they feel different under my fingers. i'm so used to johnny's sheets, that i don't think i can ever sleep on anything else ever again. he told me, "they're 100% silk; very expensive, but very worth it." he smiled, his dimples creasing in his cheeks. my favorite smile, one i was stunned by every time.
i forget to shower too, i sit on my bed for hours, reminiscing about johnny and his sheets.

his fucking sheets, why do the thought of his sheets make me want to scream and pull my hair out in complete and utter misery? they were such an unimportant part of the relationship, i only thought about them like, once, and yet here i am, trying to remember everything about them, because they're as close as i will ever get to him again.

i wonder where he got them from.

i grab my phone, the lock screen still our fingers posed in completing a heart, and search up silk sheets, just to see if i can find any.

i click on the first ones i see, and order them. i don't even check the price.
****
i'm still up at 4 in the morning, looking out my window. my view isn't nearly as nice as his, but it calms me down. seeing the cars driving down the streets, the building lights flicker on and off. it's soothing, to be in the present moment and realize that life is so much more than the present moment. i keep telling myself this, but why does it feel like this is my entire life? it doesn't feel like i'll ever do anything every again, this is my life now and i'll be forever and always stuck in this endless cycle of grief.

why did he have to leave?