𝐆𝐎𝐍𝐄

𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐌𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐒

I will never forget the last time I saw you for the rest of my life.
Your casket was perfect for you.
A beautiful auburn.
Your favorite color.
Your hair lay naturally.
The waves giving me bursts of memories.
Your hands lay on top of one another.
Your dress white,
As if you were an angel.
Your shoes a cream color.
Everything was perfect,
Yet your face was deathly pale.
Your chest unmoving.
Your body completely still.
I stared at you the entire time.
Tears streaming down my face.
My breaths labored.
My mind a mess.
My heart broken..
I watched as they closed your casket.
Staring at you one last time before I saw only the auburn top.
Wishing this was all a sick joke.
Wishing you would come out of that casket, smiling at me.
Wishing you would run up to me and reassure me you were fine.
Wishing you'd kiss me while saying "I love you" over and over like a prayer.
Wishing you didn't leave me..
I watched your casket get lowered into the ground.
I watched as it hit the bottom.
I watched as they started dropping dirt onto your beautiful bed.
I watched as they dropped the last of the dirt, no longer seeing your auburn casket.
I drove home with a broken heart and alone.
I pull into our...my driveway.
Your car in the same spot.
I walk up to our...my front door.
As I open the door, everything feels different.
It doesn't make me feel warm inside anymore.
It makes me feel cold.
I walk past where you last lay.
I stare into it, hints of blood still visible.
Your blood.
I look away as tears prick away at my eyes.
I walk up to our...my bedroom.
Opening our...my door.
Walking up to our...my bed.
I look at the spot where you used to lay every night.
The spot I would awaken to only see you laying on.
Your spot.
I sit on our...my bed and stare.
Staring at nothing particular.
Just staring.
Thinking.
Remembering.
Grieving.
Flashes of you laying in a pool of your own blood breaking my heart like a never ending heartbreak.
Your pale body implanted in my brain as the memoir it is.
Wishing I was there in time.
Those five minutes the worst of my life.
The worst because I was too late.
It's my fault.
If I had made it sooner, you would be here.
Looking down at your ring in adoration.
In awe.
Telling me all about how you want our wedding to look like.
When you want to have it.
Who you want to invite.
What dress you want to choose.
Every little detail.
But you're not.
You're not next to me ranting in awe how you want to plan it.
You're not fiddling with my hand as you tell me everything.
My hand is cold.
Your spot is cold.
My heart is cold.