this is me trying.

chapter one.

"Where are they?!" Amelia rummages through the lab in a frenzy, her trembling hands combing through everything; random objects being thrown behind her as she kneels on the floor.

Since Kai walked out, she's been on edge. Getting high is all she can think about. Her mind won't stop running on and on about it, no matter how much she tries to distract herself and think about something else.

She just needs something to take the edge off. Just a little.

She was almost ready to give up and call someone.

No.

She can't. She's already messed up enough with Kai. She can't do this to them. She leans back and lets out a frustrated sigh, staring up at the ceiling to summon any sort of strength to fight.

"Fuck!" Amelia slams her fist against the cabinet, drawing her knees to her chest with a sob. She can't get past her frustration. Why does she suddenly feel like this after all this time? Her chest is so tight, almost to the point where she can't even breathe. An invisible string is drawing tight around her throat. She needs to fight this.

Amelia runs a shaking hand through her hair, digging her fingers into her scalp and pulling. The pain didn't even register in her anger. Her eyes blur with tears. Her throat constricts. She feels like she's suffocating. The air feels so thick.

"I can't fucking do this," she sobs now, her body shaking.

Someone grabs her shoulders.

"Amelia. Amelia, what's wrong?" Meredith shakes her, and when the Amelia's vision sharpens, she sees concerned eyes and frown. Meredith wasn't due in today, why was she here? Amelia doesn't have the energy to question her.

"I messed up." She rises and moves past Meredith. Again, with the hands in her hair, fingers digging into her scalp, nails dragging down her skin. "I messed up really bad."

"It's okay," Meredith tries to comfort her. "It's okay."

"No, it's not." Amelia shakes her head resolutely, her hands trembling in front of her. "Kai won't take me back. They won't."

She explains everything and after some time with Meredith and a few more tears from Amelia, she is calmer and more composed.

—

"You're still thinking about them, aren't you?" Meredith nudges Amelia, a little while later. Amelia hasn't been able to stop thinking about Kai since they left.

Amelia opens her mouth to speak, then she closes it and wisely chooses to nod instead. It won't do anyone any good for her to start crying again.

"Just go find them." Meredith tells her, like it's the smallest thing ever.

"It's not that simple, Mer." Her voice cracks at the edges.

"From where I'm looking at it," Meredith says, frowning slightly, "it is."

"Trust me, Amelia," Meredith continues. "Bartley wants to take you back. They just need you to convince them. They're probably waiting for you to make a move. To just apologise."

—

Fuck.

She can't remember which apartment number Kai is.

Testing her luck, she knocks a random door.

No answer.

She knocks again, louder.

About a minute later, the door creaks open.

Amelia startles, surprised when her eyes fall upon Dr. Kai Bartley. Shs instantly strands up straighter, adjusting her hold on the flowers she bought for them.