Guilt's Deathly Grip

Chapter one: a new beginning

Guilt: A feeling of shame or regret as a result of bad conduct.

All my life I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by friends. 

Although as the years went by they'd come and go there was one who never left me. Jazz. Since our instant bond in nursery we were inseparable. 

From playing with our monster high dolls to building in Minecraft, we never outgrew one another. And my naive self believed this unbreakable pattern would last till the tales of us living in neighbouring houses, a perfect picture.

~~~

The unwelcome and quite frankly annoying screech of my alarm clock jolted me awake at the lovely hour of 6am.

 I knew today was going to be hard and I didn't want a shitty mood to top it all off. 

It was a Monday. 

Specifically the first day of the new school year. My last year of school. At least that detail was a positive. 

I practically dragged my body out of bed and clawed at my wardrobe searching for my uniform which is probably sheltered in dust after being abandoned in the closet for the entirety of my unproductive summer. 

After changing I realised that my blazer was several inches too short, refusing to reside any longer than just over my elbows.

 What a great start.

I amble downstairs to set sight on my 11 year old sister who is munching her coco pops, a beam plastered across her face. 

"Ready for the first day of year 7 and 11?" my mum chuckled "my girls are growing up so fast".

 I shift uncomfortably in my seat, my mum knew why I was so hesitant return to school and now she's playing the nothing ever happened game. 

Awkward silence fills the air like a deflating balloon until a constant familiar ding rings out across the kitchen. 

My mother silently stalks out of the room while my sister Ruby sits oblivious scooping out the leftover pools of milk from her bowl.

"RUBY!" "ABI!" The two girls practically flattened each other onto the ground in their extravagant welcoming...ceremony?

 As much as my ears were deafened at this point the two best friends made me smile as I observed them.

 Abi, with long straight blonde hair and annoyingly taller than me to Ruby who had curly brown locks which tangled around anything and everything.

 A sting of nostalgia quickly teared me out of my tranquil state as I began to usher the girls to collect their shoes and bags for their first day. 

"Bye mum!" Ruby exclaimed, skipping out the door. I don't have a clue to when I signed up to this babysitting.

Two girls skipped along a windy path their chatter breezing in the September wind.

 You could tell they were nervous but each other's presence calmed them. 

Their laughter littering the air as they compared what lessons they would be attending. 

I watched them from behind as the emptiness tore out another piece of me to settle in. A piece I felt could never be replaced.

 I know I should be happy for them but they remind me so much of what it used to be like, they remind me of her. 

The innocent jokes before your exposed to the blunt world of reality, the times when you take all the goodness in your life for granted. 

I was beginning to feel uneasy but I knew my mum would drag me to school if she had to. I decided on just fighting the never ending conflict in my mind; the easy way out it seemed.

Rows of houses flied past my eyes as the reckless bus driver attempts to stay in the correct lane. 

Public busses are a nightmare. 

Buzzing first years and irritating year 9s who think they are better than everyone make the atmosphere far from silent and the mould creeping around the gum ridden windowsills add to the unpleasant crowding but I feel like I'm the only one here. 

I plug in my headphones for something to do and watch the dull colours of the town while the music drowns out my loneliness. It never used to be this way. 

For my whole time at secondary school my best friend would meet me at my house in the mornings and walk with me to the bus stop.

 We'd share headphones on the bus and she'd always act out the songs because she knew it made me laugh. 

These were the good days until things started going downhill at the end of our 4th year.

I haven't even been at school for an hour before my mood drastically plummets. 

I'm sat at a circular table in the hall for some mental health motivation workshop with a friend and our table just got highjacked by a group of boys with intelligence smaller than specs of dust.

 They are clearly giggling at us, kicking our bags under the table and snatching our worksheets.

 I'm already so fed up that I tap my friend on the shoulder and move my belongings to the table opposite surprising the residents of that table before nodding and accepting us as part of their team. 

"Were they annoying you?" A girl quietly asks. 

Was that even a question I think to myself but I give them a weak smile in return. 

The head of the workshop was a guy who was so energetic that it seemed he was having a sugar rush.

 Trying to tell us about how goals were important and how motivation was key. 

But how can I follow a goal if the person I want to share it with is gone. What is the point if I can't change anything.

 I'm just as useless and weak as I used to be. 

I can't change anything if its out of my control.

 The guy jumps around tables passing us leaflets and pens and motions us to begin writing our motivational aspirations.

 I reluctantly pick up the pen waiting for it to write itself while my friend has already started on her essay long masterpiece. 

She's always been the intelligent one. 

I find myself scribbling down a tiny message in my goal box of 'making things better' then casually slipped the pen into my pocket. 

You can't blame me it was a cool pen.