Birth

3

“How are you, Adrien?”

He’d heard a hustle sound coming from the bed and looked up from where he was sitting at Adrien’s desk. When he’d moved up to him suddenly felt a rise of emotions again and hurried to his Adrien’s side.

“It’s okay, son. I’d never do anything to hurt you.”

As soon as the words came out of his mouth, he realized how appalling it was that he had to reassure his son of that. That Adrien would believe he was truly capable of it. Because if he was being completely honest with himself, he'd know they were not true, as much as he wished them to be…  because he remembered what he’d done and the lengths he’d been willing to go to be reunited with his wife again. He had in fact put him in danger countless times. He ‘d been reckless and worse than reckless. 

There was that one time, when he’d transformed Adrien’s bodyguard into a giant gorilla, and his son had almost died in the fall off that building and Adrien was only alive now because he’d told the beast to let go of Ladybug to save him. He’d shoved that memory to the back of his mind, so he never had to look at it again, but now it rose back up with full force. Maybe he shouldn’t have hidden it so deep because otherwise it might have helped him protect Adrien from himself and his stupid recklessness.

It seemed that his words had no effect on his son (and he chose to analyze that at a later moment) but his hands on his arm did the trick. Adrien calmed down.

“Can I lie down here with you?”

It took a moment, and he thought maybe he’d spoken too quietly, but then Adrien moved a little to his left opening a space for him. Gabriel took it, laying there with the upper portion of his back against the headboard and his hands over his stomach, in a position remarkably similar to that of a patient in a therapy session. The comparison made him internally scoff.

After a while, it became clear that this conversation was going to be tough for both of them, given that neither of them seemed brave enough to initiate it, but then “So, what are you still doing here, Hawkmoth?”

There’d been a meaning there that did not go ignored by Gabriel.

“I’m not Hawkmoth. Not right now. Right now, I’m your father, and I’m worried about you.”

“And why is that? Why now? I mean, it never felt like Hawkmoth differentiated between Adrien Agreste and the rest of Paris.”

“That’s…you’re right. But that was never my intention. I ‘d never put you in harm’s way deliberately.”

“Oh, that’s why you akumatized half of my school friends while I was right there?”

He had no arguments to defend himself on that count. He had been thoughtless.

“You are right. I won’t defend myself. I was irresponsible.”

“Umpff…I am so relieved you understand that father.” And the irony was Adrien’s tone was telling him a whole different story, but Gabriel had bigger fish to fry. He had to tell Adrien why he’d been doing what he’s done. So, he just ignored it for now.

“Do you want to know why I became Hawkmoth?” And a few seconds, he took his son’s silence as a yes and continued. “Your mother, she’s not dead. She’s not alive either. Her body is there, but I am not sure that her soul is too. It was just recently that we got the translated version of that book you took from the safe, and we were beginning to understand it all better.”

“We?”

“Yes. Nathalie and I.”

He heard a hum and then “So, Nathalie’s been Mayura this whole time.” An affirmation, not a question. His son was smart. This conversation would go much easier if he didn’t have to confess to every one of his sins.

“Yes.”

“Was that why she was so sick?” And this time he could see that the shadow of his son he could see in the darkness of his room had turned to look at him for the first time.

“Yes.”

“Did she know it could kill her?”

Gabriel understood very well the soreness of this exact point.

“Yes.”

“And you let her do it anyway?” And this was said with more feeling than anything his son had said up to this point. He didn’t need his miraculous, even though it was there in its usual place, to feel that desperation, indignation raised above a myriad of feelings. But surprise was not among them. That hit Gabriel differently from what he was prepared for.

“And after you confessed to all this you still slept with her?” Now, that was that surprise. “Now I know why she left you!”

Could he count that as a low blow? Or was it exactly what he’d deserved to hear? He didn’t know. What he did know was that that hurt more than anything his son had said until now.

“She loved you, dad. And you treated her like garbage.”

Now that was...that was…his thoughts were all jumbled. “I didn’t...she didn’t…” and then finally “She didn’t love me!” with an unintended emphasis because she obviously didn’t and because if she did it would make him a much worse person that he already was and because he would have known, wouldn’t he? He should’ve. She was right there by his side every day. She…oh, hell. She was there every day, and he chose to ignore those little signs because it was impossible that they were true.

That was a thought he’d always kept hidden far in the back of his mind. Nathalie had always been a master in controlling her emotions, walling them even from the butterfly most of the time. She could wall them and even smother them, he suspected. She knew how to compartmentalize. But now, he was being forced to look back and analyze all his interactions with Nathalie. Every little thing he’d ignored or brushed aside because she was either too fast to put herself together whenever her emotions began to slip through cracks on her walls or to overflow them. It made him think he was seeing things, so he just shook the feeling off, but maybe he just didn’t want to see it because if he did acknowledge that Nathalie in fact had such feelings for him then he’d have to let her go. Fire her, transfer her to one of the offices, lose her support in every area of his life, lose their camaraderie. Lose their friendship.

Or at least the friendship Nathalie had given him, because was it friendship what he’d gave her in return? Maybe not, if she had so little faith in him and had hidden that she was expecting his child. And maybe it wasn’t friendship what Nathalie had given him all this time. But what it was…he was unable to utter the word. Because it would make it real. It had been real.

She was right to leave, though. If he’d been in her shoes, he’d done the same.

He knew he was a man in a mission to bring his wife back. He’d terrorized an entire city to achieve that. What was he to tell Emilie if he’d succeeded? In what position would that put Nathalie and the baby? Now, he was fathering a teenager and a baby without Nathalie’s help and on top of that there was still his company to maintain. All this considered, it was impossible for him to be Hawkmoth. While his new assistant was no Nathalie, she wasn’t a bad one either and frankly, she was the only one that survived past the first week. But he didn’t trust her not to call the police if she so much suspected he could be Paris worst enemy.

So, Hawkmoth has not released any akumas since he discovered this beautiful baby butterfly. Because, yes, he loved his son. He’d known it from the moment he’d held him in his arms. He wouldn’t want to put him in the spotlight as soon as the media sniffed the possibility that he was his and his assistant’s baby.

He understood why Nathalie would think that move as far as she would be a good idea. What he couldn’t understand was why she chose not to tell him.

But he had to go back to Adrien now even though he had no good answer for him and no way to defend himself. So, he made his last confession of the night. The only thing good he could possibly say, and that was sincere to.

“I won’t be Hawkmoth anymore. At least for now. I can’t do it with you, Raphael and Nathalie to care for.”

“I wish you’d just give it up entirely.” Now it was Gabriel who’d been caught on his back foot.

“Do you want me to abandon your mother to die?”

“Father,” Adrien he’d heard Adrien say this with a love and tenderness in his voice Gabriel wasn’t expecting at all coming from his eldest, especially considering the situation they were in. “Mom’s gone.”

“What, no, Adrien...” But he was interrupted by Adrien’s hand over his and because his son raised up from his position to sit beside him with his legs crossed and even though the room was dark, his eyes were already accustomed enough to distinguish love his eyes when he said:
“Father, stop. She’s dead. You said it yourself to me when we were down that place. She has no soul.”

“But with the miraculous I could make her alive again, Adrien. I could...”

“No, dad. You couldn’t.”

“Yes, I could. I…”

“Dad, the wish doesn’t work that way.”

“No, it…” And suddenly Gabriel heard something click in his head. “How do you about the wish?” came out as a whisper.

Adrien was silent for a moment. Then he raised from the bed and went to turn on the lights and from that spot by the bedroom door he said:

“Because I am Chat Noir.”

“…”

“…”

A pin hitting the floor would have been heard. How could this be?

“No. That can’t be.”

“Plagg, claws out.”

And there, stood Chat Noir in all his black and green glory but with none of the cheekiness he was known for. On the contrary, his eyes were tired and serious. The only thing Gabriel felt he was able to do was look at him and breath, because he certainly momentarily lost all his capacity to speak, blink and think. And just as an old car with battery problems he pushed himself to function again, but when that happened, the only thing he could do was to sit properly on the bed with his back to Adrien and support his head with his hands while his own arms got the support they needed on his legs while he muttered “This can’t be happening.”

Then he saw booted feet and looked up to his son. To Chat Noir, who looked back at him with sad concerned eyes.

“Father, if you make the wish, one of us will die.”

“What do you mean?” He whispered. The lump in his throat was making it difficult for him to speak.

“The universe needs balance, if you wish mom back, someone of equal value to you will have to take her place.”

“No. That’s a history invented to…”

“Father, No! Stop that nonsense! Don’t you think if we could make the wish with no consequence, we wouldn’t wish for Hawkmoth to surrender, or for us to defeat him in battle or Ladybug and I could just wish selfish but things for us?”

Gabriel’s shoulders suddenly sag and he felt all the life leave him as he let out one heavy breath “So, everything I’ve done for all these years,” A pause and “it was all for nothing?”

Gabriel stood up looked to Chat Noir’s face. To his son’s face with such a defeated expression and said, “I’m sorry, Adrien.”  And went to leave the room. When he reached the door handle, he said, “Could you take the next round with your little brother?”

Adrien nodded and Gabriel left.

-

Gabriel had gone directly to his room to lay down, apparently, because sleep was not coming to him any anytime soon.

He had taken of his miraculous off and deposited it in its box that was currently inside drawer of his bedside table. But through all the time while he had his eyes only half shut, he could see another little god floating near his door looking at him.

He’d wanted to believe that his son had sent the little being to ascertain his wellbeing, but the truth was that Adrien probably didn’t trust him not to try to steal his ring I the middle of the night.

So, he’d decided to pretend he really slept to see if the little black creature would tire of watching him doing nothing and leave him alone.

The next time he’d opened his eyes to look for the kwami it was already daylight.