i thought i was getting better. but ive started thinking about death again. i dont want to die, but my brain deep down tells me i deserve it. i deserve it for being a bad person, and letting people down and burning them out with my problems. i have people that i can go to, but i dont want to go to them in case i burn them out, or burden them. i dont care if im "not a burden" im not one yet. but i will be. i will become too much for them to handle and ill hurt them. my problems are not their responsibility, but i cant help needing someone to talk to. i cant help suffering. i dont want to die, i just want this shit to be over with. i just want to be a better, different person. i just dont want this. i love my friends and i adore my partners, i just hate myself. and i hear them telling me im a good person, and i believe them for an inkling of a moment, then im back down in this negative hellhole where i hate myself and i need someone to talk to and i need this and i need that. im just a needy person. a bad needy person. i take and i take and i dont give anything in return because im selfish. im a horrible selfish person. i deserve to die, and even that would hurt people. axel and ashley would be devastated, and thats what makes me a bad person. no matter what i do i hurt them. i was on a call with them, and i cut. on camera. i dont know what was going on, i just...did it. i freaked them out. he had to leave because i triggered him badly. and then he felt bad for having to leave when it was my fault. i dont want to die, i just want this shit to be over with. i want things to be better.
