Remus' Gay Awakening (will make you cry)

Dungeon

Part 1

Three young boys stood around a cauldron, the concoction within it refracting beams of light across their faces. They looked at each other in satisfaction, their eyes glinting in the half light.
"Well", James started, "it's done". And it was. The cauldron stood in front of them, top-full with Babbling Beveridge: a curious potion which rendered its drinker unable to stop spouting nonsense. "It's beautiful", Remus breathed. "Looks like-"
"Like a shit ton of fun", Sirius said, smirking. Remus let out a small laugh. "Yeah, I s'pose it does, doesn't it?"
"Absolutely, it does," James cackled. "The look on Flitwick's face is gonna be brilliant". At this, Remus' face fell slightly. Sirius saw his eyes fall and turned to face him. "What's up, Moony?". Professor Flitwick was a good teacher. He was gentle and kindly, and he gave clear instructions; something which various other professors seemed to struggle with. The other boys had pressured him into helping with the making of the potion, and he had been ok with that, but the fact that they wanted to use it on Professor Flitwick didn't sit well in his stomach. He'd asked why they wanted to do it, and they'd replied that it was a revenge-ploy for one of the exceedingly few detentions which Flitwick had given James and Sirius, especially considering the amount of piss they take out of his class. Remus suspected that Flitwick went easy on their misbehaviour because of their talent and wit.
"Moony?", Sirius repeated, his gravelly voice growing concerned. "Huh?", Remus answered.
"What's the matter, mate?", James started. "You've been a little off all day".
"It's... it's nothing. Don't worry". Sirius rolled his eyes. "Come on, Remus, you can't fool us. We know you too well". Remus looked into Sirius' transparent, grey eyes for a moment. Sirius had always been a little more concerned than James (who had already distracted himself from the conversation by divvying the crimson liquid in the cauldron into small, glass vials) or Peter. Remus wasn't even sure why Peter was a part of their clique, anyway; he was often omitted from invitation in their doings, this day included. But Sirius... he saw something no one else saw. There was something a little more... seeing behind those eyes. Those beautiful eyes...
"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. All is well. I'm fine", Remus cemented, his eyes lowering and his angular face twisting into an anxious smile. "Suit yourself, mate", said James, shrugging. Sirius looked more concerned. His forearms always tensed when he got concerned, making his veins surface like an abstract painting. James' back straightened from over the cauldron, and he headed towards the doors of the dungeon. "Alright, this play'll be dealt on the morrow. We've got Charms second, so that's when this here Babbling Beveridge will be finally employed". He turned and surveyed the dungeon, his two best friends standing either side of the enclosed space, overshadowed by shelves lined with row upon row of aged and webbed bottles. His eyes narrowed. "You coming, boys?".
Remus looked up. "Yeah, I'll be along in a second, I just want to take a look at some of these bottles".
James looked thoroughly confused. "Why? They're just old... bottles".
"Yeah, but some of them have intriguing labels that I want to... examine". Sirius gave him a suspicious sideways glance from across the dungeon, his lips tightening. Remus pretended not to look.
"Again, suit yourself, mate. You coming, Padfoot?".
"Nah, I'll stay behind for a sec as well. Help Remus out".
James was taken aback. "Well, I never," he said, mockingly. "Betrayed by my own brothers. Mutiny, I say! Mutiny!". Sirius grinned at James' stupid joke, but Remus only cracked a forced half-smile. James smirked, satisfied that he'd fulfilled his role as the clown of the group, and left the dungeon with a swagger, making his cloak magically dance around his calves to add extra drama to his exit. This got a real laugh out of both Remus and Sirius. "God, he can be a prick sometimes," Sirius said, moving towards the wall closest to him. "He absolutely can," Remus replied, his voice still low, though now with a humour that hadn't been present in James' company. Sirius went quiet for a moment, surveying the mottled bottles, every so often reaching out a long finger to tilt one further towards his eyes. Why am I thinking like this?, thought Remus. He knew it was wrong to feel this way about Sirius, but that didn't stop his heart from pounding a mile a minute every time he came into view; every time he grazed past him in the hall...
No, I'm not thinking this. I'm not doing this to myself.
He was confused. He didn't know what he was feeling, nor what he was supposed to be feeling. This was wrong. This was unnatural. But... his long, black hair. His sparkling teeth. His... him. He was beautiful. He was beautiful. There was no other way to describe him. An aura of rawness followed him everywhere. He was beautiful, but there was something more...
"Remus?"
Remus blinked out of his stupor and turned to face Sirius, who had walked half the way around the outskirts of the dungeon and was now not a meter away from his arm. Close enough that if Remus were to reach out just a little...
"Sorry, what'd you say?", he said, his cheeks flooding with a shade of scarlet which should have been impossible in a human. Sirius smiled softly and breathed in, his chest slightly rising.
"Are you ok?", he repeated. Remus shuffled on the spot, not knowing what to do. Sirius took a step closer to his friend.
"Please, talk to me. I want you to be ok, and something's not ok. What's wrong?"
Remus looked away. He knew that there were exactly two things wrong, the least important of which was the impending incident involving Professor Flitwick. He looked back towards Sirius, the boy whose idea it had been for himself, James, and Peter to become animagi and accompany him on those long, lonely nights in the Shrieking Shack. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Sirius", he said.
The perfect boy stood oblivious to his meaning. "What? What do you mean something's wrong with you?", he said, his voice softening. Remus shook his head. "I don't know. I'm just..."
"Just what?".
"Just..."
Just say it! he told himself. But, alas, he couldn't.
"I just don't feel great about what we're doing to Professor Flitwick. I think it's wrong".
Sirius looked at him incredulously. "Wrong? Of course it's wrong. We're the school trouble-makers, everything we do is wrong in some sense". Remus let out a soft sigh.
"I know, but every time we end up doing something 'funny', it hurts other people. Even if it makes everyone else laugh, it always hurts someone. I don't... I don't want to have to keep pretending to be on board with you and James' stupid ideas and... and... I don't... I don't want you to..."
"Don't want me to what, Moony?". Remus' head dropped to his chest and came up as quickly as it had plummeted. "Nothing. Nothing. I don't want you hurting people is all. I don't want you hurting me".
"Hurting you?"
"Yes, Sirius, hurting me. I'm sick of always trying to pull you back from James' insanity and of my attempts to keep you civil never working. I'm sick of you wanting James more than me. I'm sick of you always spending your days with James instead of me".
Sirius looked vaguely bemused. "Sounds like you've got more of a problem with James than with me, my friend".
Remus convulsed, tears beginning to form behind his eyes. "I'm... I'm trying to tell you something! Stop making weak jokes about this! I'm sick of you wanting James! I'm sick of you wanting James more than you want me!".
Without warning, Sirius moved in. Within a second, his lips were locked around Remus'. As quickly as he'd started, however, he pulled away. Remus was shocked. That wasn't supposed to happen. Why did that happen? Why did Sirius do that? Why did... why did it feel so good?
Sirius saw the mortified look on Remus' face and instantly looked appalled at himself.
"I'm so sorry, I... I-I don't know what came over me... I... I'm so sorry... I understand you... if you..."
Remus looked up.
"Why?".
It was Sirius' turn to look shocked. "I... I don't know".
Remus turned away. He didn't know how to feel. On one hand, he was elated. He'd finally felt the warmth of Sirius' lips on his own. Somehow the fact that they were chapped didn't matter; they had felt heavenly. On the other hand, however: he'd just discovered that Sirius was gay. A homosexual. A... a fag. He didn't know what to do. He'd never had a problem with gay people, but the thought of Sirius – his best friend – liking guys... it just made him uneasy. If Remus knew anything, it was that the seventies were not a fantastic time to be gay. He was scared for him.
Wait...
The thought which he'd been pushing to the back of his mind now came crashing forward: he had liked the kiss. Did that mean...?
No. Surely not. I can't be gay. I've had crushes on girls, right?
What escaped his memory at that moment was that he had also had a crush on his best friend Thomas when he was eleven. The truth was catching up with him, though. He had liked that kiss, conflicted feelings set aside.
Sirius was still flustered, busying his eyes on a suddenly very interesting stone in the cobbled floor.
"Why?".
Sirius looked up at Remus and choked back a sob.
"I'm sorry..."
"I don't want your apology, I want an explanation".
Sirius flailed for something to say, trying to explain himself, but couldn't.
"Are you... are you gay, Sirius?".
At this, Sirius turned away. He faced the shelves, completely shutting down.
"Sirius. Answer me".
He didn't.
Remus had run out of things to say. He wanted to leave. He wanted to get away from Sirius. He needed to sort himself out. He left Sirius standing in the dungeon.
He walked away.