Remus' Gay Awakening (will make you cry)

Dormitory

Part 2

Sirius hadn't talked much to anyone since the dungeon. He spent his time around the Gryffindor common room, sitting by the fire, and reading old spell books. He didn't even like reading. Somehow, he'd even devised a way of playing Exploding Snap with himself (a feat which was regarded with awe by all who bore witness to it). To add discomfort to his brooding state, James constantly bombarded him with questions about his mood and was inevitably mirrored by Peter.
"Aww, is poor Paddy feeling a little bit down?" was James' constant drawl, almost always followed by a giggled "yeah!" or some other unintelligible exclamation from Wormtail. Sirius ignored this: he had the look of a man betrayed, though by who everyone was unsure.
Remus felt terrible. He had liked the kiss. A week of turning it over in his mind had made him conclude that, at least. As to whether or not he was gay... he preferred not to think of that.
Only the other day, he'd witnessed a Hufflepuff being beaten in the Quadrangle, his aggressors hurling shouts of "fag" and "queer" at him. He hadn't even done anything; he'd been walking in the corridor unobtrusively when a shout of impedimenta rang through the air. The rest was too disturbing to recount. Remus wasn't sure if he could deal with himself going through that. Instead, he clung to the reassuring fact that he'd had crushes on girls before. So, that considered, he couldn't possibly be... that. Could he?
No, of course not, he thought. That would be ridiculous.
Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter were all seated around the hearth in the Gryffindor common room, two weeks after the Babbling Beveridge incident (for which the blame had been pinned on one Severus Snape). Remus and Peter were sitting opposite each other on armchairs, and James was niggling Sirius on the centre couch which they shared. "What's up with you, mate?", James asked Sirius, a simper forming on his lips, ready to crack some stupid joke. Sirius exploded:
"Can you shut up? Seriously, you're becoming a pain in the arse. I hate you constantly mocking me. I'm just not feeling great, alright? Alright?".
James raised his hands in front of his torso defensively. "Alright, Jesus. Don't bloody get so bloody caught up in it, mate", he slurred sarcastically, smile still flickering over his face. Wormtail sniggered. This was too much for Sirius. He promptly stood up off the chair and turned around to glare at James. The corners of his mouth twitched as if he wanted to say something, but instead he composed himself, stood up straight, and walked off stiffly, his cloak magically billowing out from behind him, to the boy's dormitory.
"That son of a bitch stole my move...", mumbled James in disbelief. "He has no right to be stealing your moves, Prongs!", piped up Peter, the runt.
"Agreed", answered James, and that was the last that was said of it around that fire. Remus, who had been sitting in silence, observing the unfolding matter, was horrified. His eyes had found the fireplace, and stayed there, absently hearing – but not listening to – James and Wormtail's one sided conversation. It was getting hot in the common room. It was Winter, so that shouldn't have been possible, unless someone was using their magic to give someone a hard time.
Or, adversely, he was experiencing – god forbid – an emotion.
It felt like guilt: his stomach was tightening, his skin becoming taut against his bones... but why would he be guilty? Surely I'm not guilty about... about Padfoot, he told himself. What happened in the dungeon wasn't... it wasn't my... I didn't...
Did I?
Remus found himself getting up out of his chair, walking past James and Peter (who either ignored him or simply didn't register him moving away), and making his way towards the dorm.
He came to the landing outside the door to the circular room and stopped. Not sure what the right thing to do was, his hand hovered over the doorknob in hesitance. Finally, he reached a decision. It was time to talk to him.
The door's hinges croaked as he cracked it open. Through the ajar door, Remus made out the shape of Sirius sitting in the semi-dark on his bed; not moving, not crying, just... being.
There was something rigid about the way he was holding himself on the mattress, though. His shoulders were slumped, and his eyes were staring stark forward, not focused on anything, but not moving from their position. At the sound of the door, Sirius' head whipped around, and his eyes lingered, but upon realising that it was only Remus his eyes dropped, and he went back to staring blankly into space. Remus took a few tentative steps forward but was stopped by Sirius' cracking voice. "Go away," he murmured. Remus stood, confused.
"Go... what did you say?" he retorted.
"Please," Sirius said, his voice cracking. "Just... go away".
Remus didn't know what to say. "I... I've been... no. I will not go away. We have to talk".
"About what?" Sirius said, turning around astonishingly quickly. "As far as I'm concerned, we've nothing to talk about".
"Nothing to... you kissing me in the dungeon is nothing to you?".
"That's exactly what I'm saying. Don't try to-"
"Try to what?", Remus was beginning to raise his voice but checked himself. "Try to hide from yourself? What ever the fuck you were thinking – doing! – in there? You just... I can't believe you! This is some serious shit, Sirius. Do you know what they'd do to you – to us – if people found out that... that we... we're gay?"
Sirius looked up at this. "You are gay?", he asked, his voice still thick with emotion, but now also with questioning. Remus was taken aback. "I – I don't know," he attested. Sirius looked doubtful at this.
"I'm... I don't know, ok? I'm just... not sure".

Sirius looked ever more doubtful now. He got off the bed and took three steps towards Remus. "Now, I'm not gonna pretend to be some big fucking expert on being... you know. But I think the fact that you're even questioning yourself on that is a pretty clear indicator". Remus creased his forehead slightly.
"No, no, I don't think so. I just..."
"You just what?", Sirius asked. "If you keep lying to yourself, your life will become a lie itself".
"Since when did you get all poetic?", Remus asked, attempting weakly to diffuse the tension.
"Don't change the subject," Sirius said.
"What would you prefer me say, then?", Remus shot back. "You'd rather I said nothing?".
"Of course I wouldn't rather that," Sirius shook his head. "I'd rather you told both me and yourself the truth".
"What truth?".
"Ok, let's answer this simply," Sirius said, the corner of his mouth being tugged away from his teeth in a smirk. "Did you like the kiss?".
Remus didn't know what to say. His cheeks were reddening. "What?", he started uneasily. "I don't know. Maybe? I can't even... remember it that... well..."
"Ok," Sirius continued. "Well, maybe this'll refresh your memory." With a lightning movement, Sirius leapt forward onto Remus, knocking him back against the door, which slammed shut under the force. Sirius' face lingered a moment before his lips locked on Remus', who saw little to no point in resisting. Besides, there was something comforting about having this pressure on him. He felt... safe. Connected. He felt good. This felt good. Remus pried himself away from Sirius' mouth; even though it was soft, and not wet, and not dry, and that Sirius stood (very attractively) four inches taller than him, he still felt something was wrong; that something needed to be put a stop to. "Wait," he said, catching his sparse breath. "What if someone comes in?".
"We let them join," Sirius said, a proper smile finally forming beneath his angular nose. Remus couldn't help but smile back. Their faces remained passionately stuck for two more minutes before they resurfaced for air. Their foreheads pressed together, a thin layer of sweat their only partition. They met each other's eyes and giggled like children. "You're really nice," said Sirius.
"You're really nice, too," returned Remus. Sirius put his arm around Remus' waist and lead him to his bed.
Is this... are we going to...
When they got to the bed, Sirius tightened his grip on Remus and fell with him onto the doona. Remus felt safe. Sirius felt protective. They felt that they needed each other. "When did you know?", Remus asked softly. Sirius thought for a moment.
"Since I met you".
Remus turned his head and looked at Sirius' face, still staring, but now not at nothing.
"Really?", Remus giggled. "Is seriously that the most romantic thing you could think of right now?".
Sirius laughed, the skin on his cheeks stretching his face into a beautiful smile. "It's true," he said. "Oh yeah?".
"Yeah".
"Prove it".
Sirius looked slyly at Remus from the side of his eye.
"Why do you think my animagus is a dog?".