Sprinkling Fling ✓

09.

We're silent in the car, it's awkward.

I have felt him glance sideways at me a couple of times, but I don't dare to look back. He knows I'm annoyed with how he behaved at the arena. I didn't sign up for caveman behavior when I went out with him.

It was pretty hurtful to have him behave so coldly toward me. In my head, it makes me come up with all these different scenarios—of whatever I did wrong.

It's the way I'm wired.

There are multiple things wrong with me. I have a lot of issues.

They affect me in my daily life tremendously. There are trust issues, social anxiety, guilt-tripping myself, etc.

It was all caused by her.

After Tamara gaslighting me in our friendship, it always feels like it is my fault. I can't help it.

She always made me believe anything that went wrong was my fault.

When people have issues, often, they blame it on their parents. In my case, my parents aren't to blame. It's my childhood best friend.

I met Tamara when I was young. She had transferred to my school after having moved to my hometown.

At school, my teacher gave me the task of showing her around. I had to take her with me all day to get her adjusted. So I did. I took her with me for the day; I sat next to her all day, during class and lunch.

After that, we became friends.

In the beginning, my parents were okay with our friendship. They thought she was a sweet shy girl. They felt like I could be a great friend to her—to get her out of her shell.

She was this sweet withdrawn girl. At first, she didn't dare say a word to any adult. She didn't even say 'hi' to my parents when they greeted her. That continued for all the years I had been 'friends' with her—she never greeted them back as the years passed; she only opened her mouth to them if it was necessary.

I always thought she was extremely shy and might have had a social disorder, but now I think it might have been arrogance.

Now that I've seen the real her.

It wasn't only my parents that she didn't speak to—it was almost every adult.

Our friendship was complicated. Tamara was this person that was in the background. She wasn't popular, but she had this compelling personality.

She felt like she had authority over me. She commanded me to do things from a young age, and I just went along with it. She felt like she was better than me.

Over the years, it became more and more. Even though I had built up my life without her in high school, I still stayed obedient to her. I wanted her validation. I think she ingrained that into my brain from a young age.

Her toxic manipulation is what made me stay faithful to keep our friendship alive.

I wanted her to think of me as her best friend. I needed it. Because whenever she accepted me, it felt so good. In those rare moments, she was so kind. It just never stayed like that for long.

I wish I wasn't so naive back then and just dared to step up for myself instead of this constant battle to be her friend.

It also had to do with the fact I was frightened of her—she was naturally terrifying.

She didn't like that I was generally liked by people in the school, because they didn't like her. It made her degrade me even more. She hated it.

I couldn't have other friends.