Young Royals: What...now?

Grief.

Wilhelm

After Wilhelm's last interaction with Simon, he felt his heart soar and then nosedive in the span of a minute. How am I letting something this small make me feel this way? he thought, his head spinning in anger. Not at Simon really. Just at himself. 

In a split decision, Wilhelm headed out of the academic wing. Last year, Dr. Nilsson had reminded him, My door's always open. He had just never thought about taking advantage of that. Until now. As he hit the cold wind, he picked up the pace so he wouldn't change his mind. 

Dr. Nilsson was brewing some coffee behind the empty receptionist's desk when the he spotted Wilhelm and gave him a welcoming smile.

"Your Highness, nice to see you here. Would you like to join me for a cup of coffee? I brought the grounds back from Brazil. You wouldn't believe the difference it makes," he said as he picked up the bag and handed it to Wilhelm. Bourbon Santos, read the label. Wilhelm didn't know the last thing about coffee brands, but he nodded appreciatively like he somehow knew everything there was to know about quality beans.

"Yeah, sure, thanks. And, um, you can call me Wilhelm," he replied as he handed back the coffee bag. 

As the counselor got out an extra mug and poured him a cup, he quietly asked, "Shall we drink this privately, hm?"

Wilhelm followed as Dr. Nilsson gestured him into his office, complete with beige- and tan-toned minimalist furniture and a Chinese checkers game on a table in the middle of the room. The chairs were made of what he was sure was faux leather - Dr. Nilsson seemed like the vegan sort - and there was nothing but a picture of his kids on the wall.

"So, tell me, Wilhelm. How was your winter vacation? Did you have a chance to leave Stockholm?"

Wilhelm was not expecting this reaction. In fact, all break he had been dreading having to talk to someone. But he knew that there was no way around the fact that this, this anxiety, this despondence, this grief, was going to end up killing him if he didn't act. 

"It was fine, thank you. My parents and I went to Switzerland to our cottage there, and I got to do some skiing."

"Ah, skiing in the Alps. There's nothing like that mountain air on the top of the slopes, hm? When I was in university, I took a year off just so I could go work at a ski resort for a season. My parents weren't exactly thrilled, but it was the best decision of my life. I still try to get there at least once a season," said Dr. Nilsson, sighing wistfully. Wilhelm understood that sigh. He felt it whenever he thought of hold hands or even just laughing with Simon.

"We do, too. The past few years, with all of the state trips, it's been harder, but my dad always makes a big effort. It's the one place where he says he goes unnoticed, with the gear and all."

Dr. Nilsson smiled. "Too true. You could be sitting by Lady Gaga and never be too sure." Wilhelm grinned. Dr. Nilsson apparently had a sense of humor. Who knew? 

He continued, "And do you feel the same way, Wilhelm? That you can, shall we say, escape into the masses on the slopes?"

"I guess so. It's nice. You can have a conversation with the other people on your lift, and you're just, you know, one of them."

"Yes, there is nothing like anonymity, especially for those who rarely have it. For those who want it, it's a blessing, for those who have it, it's a curse. And for you, it is a curse, am I right?"

Wilhelm didn't respond. 

"Your brother and you are very different people. From where I stand, at least, and in my conversations with him, Erik thrived in the notoriety, saw it as an advantage to being able to get things done. You, on the other hand..."

"You talked to Erik?"

"Often. Often. And he wasn't shy about telling others. Everybody needs someone to talk to sometime or another. Erik had his own demons, just like us all," continued Mr. Nilsson. 

"What kind of demons?" asked Wilhelm.

"Unfortunately, that, I cannot make you privy to, son. I respect my clients' privacy, even if only their memories live on. 

"What I can tell you, however, is that he loved you. So much. All he wanted was for you to be happy. He mentioned time and time again his concern for you, for making sure you could grow up to be who you wanted to be..."

"...unlike him," added Wilhelm, with a tear beginning to form. He wiped it away quickly. The last thing he wanted was to fucking cry in front of the counselor in the first five minutes of a meeting. He at least wanted to keep up the pretense of composure. 

Dr. Nilsson looked Wilhelm right in the eyes. "You were his light. He would have done anything for you."

Upon him saying that, all the composure he had been feigning flew out the window. Wilhelm threw his hands over his eyes. His bottom lip began to quiver and his eyes filled with tears. 

Dr. Nilsson handed him a tissue box and patted Wilhelm's knee. He didn't say anything. He didn't need to.

"I can't do this without him. I just can't," wept Wilhelm, his body shaking, the tears stinging his cheeks.

"This is what it feels like to grieve, to mourn. And it hurts, I know it hurts. It feels like our soul is cut in half when we lose the person most important to us. But we must grieve. Grieve the person who we lost, of course, but also grieve the life that we would have lived had that person stayed with us. It's okay to mourn what you thought your future was going to look like, Wilhelm, without it sullying the loss of your brother as a person. Allow yourself to mourn them both."

And with that, Dr. Nilsson just sat there, quietly, as Wilhelm wept and wept. Wept for his brother, wept for his brother's future, and, wept for the loss of his own future.