【 ＦＩＶＥ：ＮＩＮＥ || ʙɪɢ • ᴛɪᴍᴇ • ʀᴜꜱʜ 】

【 𝟿 : 𝟹 𝟶 - ᴇɴᴠᴏɪ. ❝ ᴛʜᴇ • ᴍɪʟᴇꜱ • ᴀɴᴅ • ᴍᴀᴅɴᴇꜱꜱ • ɢᴏ ❞ 】

(a/n: frifkck i seriously just could never let it go. not like that. these two are my most precious otp boyfriends idfc how much turmoil my brain wants to spew out but i can't do them like this. so here's a last-minute unedited fix-it retcon addendum mostly as my own personal undignified emotional salve, feel free to entirely disregard this whole thing i just,,, needed it. and yes it absolutely doesn't make any sense and i wrote it while high on caffeine adrenaline and sleep-deprivation and Feelings™ but it feels like a happier(ish but not really bc wtf even???) ending than my previous overly-ambiguous bullshit and also i can't do kendall disrespect like that either so REDEMPTION!! in conclusion i love these boys too much and they don't deserve my garbage-ass drama and i'm speNT thank u for tedtalking to my listen (o=^•ェ•^)o)

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❝  ʀᴇꜱᴛʟᴇꜱꜱ ᴇᴍᴏᴛɪᴏɴꜱ ᴡᴇᴀʀɪɴɢ ᴍᴇ ᴛʜɪɴ

ɪ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄʟᴏꜱᴇʀ, ᴏʜ

ᴡʜᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ʜᴏᴍᴇ, ɪ'ᴍ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ. ❞

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("Now picture this—")

That's the boy you see in peeling gold stars and the reflections of nascent headlamps, the someday you never dreamed to keep in fear of wasted seconds, the someday boy who adores and devotes you to his copperplate epistles in a way the transient spotlight never did, shielding your exposed bones from dirty sights and dying tricks in a desperate world. That's the boy who kissed you back to life, the boy who lifted you with flighty laughter and old pain eclipsed by Hollywood lights and warm hands so impossibly steady you almost swore there was a hibernating deity enshrined in between his boastful heart. You let him in the way no one ever wanted to, you let him in too desperately deep, and there's no way out but down and you'll take it as it comes, whatever it takes. You left out your virtues. You can't leave.

While you stand down your pride, and you apologise, and you will learn to love again.

If you seal his serpentine scars with candle wax, it will be too late. If you let it drip away to melted sunrise and stippled evergreen, it will be too early. What's there left to do but wait on squandered time, and hope?

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("Now picture this—")

That's the boy you taste in stolen packets of Stevia and overchewed bubblegum, the someday you always dreamed a weird future with but never quite realised it, the someday boy whose lips never quite reach yours so you stand him on your feet so he can stand a little taller, dance a little better, see a lot more of the world beyond his shaking shoulders. That's the boy you'll always love to death, the boy who swore he never meant to hurt nobody, never meant to make the Hollywood lights burn, never meant to disturb the persistent demon scratching tally marks inside your ribcage begging to be let out. You don't know why you let it in but he's knocking on your shallow pulse again, that ever-boastful heart, he's knocking everything down and taking you with him. You let go of your vices. You're going to go.

While you stand up for yourself, and you apologise, and you will learn to love again.

Irreversible scars, with every twist they scream out, it's never too late. Irreparable scars, the sunset freezes over in the shape of incarnadine hell, it's never too early. And so you wait on relinquished time, and hope.