I care.

Chapter 11

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Andy and I had just finished watching a movie and heading into our rooms to go to sleep. I brushed my teeth and crawled into my bed. Turning my phone over, I saw my phone exploding with missed calls, texts, voicemails, and Twitter tags....all from one person. I only had one other friend and she had just beat me up, never wanting to talk to me...what was happening. I slid over the 14 unread text messages. (F/N) popped up, "I hope you know the only reason I ever was friends with u was bc I felt bad for u. U obviously wasted a lot of my time and u KNOW the shit I went through for being ur friend. Well now it's ur turn." I frantically checked Twitter. I pressed on the newest tweet from (F/N) to find a picture of me, freshman year of highschool, chubby and crying. You could see faint scars on my arm in the picture and makeup running down my face. I scrolled through the comments seeing things like "ew OMG she was such a fat whore...but now she's just a whore lol" "lol look at her arm guys, even she couldnt handle herself" "lol the runny makeup got me tho. she's not gonna mask that ugly. lol" "I hope she never shows her face again...i mean who wants to see that..lol" I almost threw my phone down in anger but clicked on my voicemails instead. "Hey (Y/N) saw that pic on Twitter you were a fucked up kid dude. Well I mean you Prob still are..but U know." "Hey (Y/N) is (F/N). I hope you feel like shit. Bye sweetheart" I felt my chest start to crush down and my eyes filled with tears. This was just what I needed. My depression has gotten worse and now this. I stood up, pacing back and forth trying to calm down. I nearly fainted but decided to get in bed and pull the overs up to my face. I sat crying in my bed until I had finished my panic attack and closed my eyes. I was filled with questions and confusion, but somehow drifted asleep for 3 hours, waking up at 2am. All of my pain from the past 4 years, up until tonight, struck me at one time. I pushed the sheets away and scrambled in one of my bags. "What the fuck!! I know I put it in here!" I whispered to myself through tears. Finally my hand touched it. A sharp point and an edge so severe. I picked up the razor and headed to the bathroom. I closed the door and locked it sliding to the ground. I was done with trying and I was done with hurting. I let the razor go deep into my skin. I sat, with my head against the wall, razor to my arm, and tears flowing down my face. I looked down and saw blood covering my arm. I stood up to wash it off, not expecting so much blood, but when I did I got dizzy and fell hitting hard into the ground. I lifted the seat of the toilet and threw up as many times as I could. I felt even dizzier than before. My mind was racing, trying to make sense, but competing with the darkness quickly taking over. I held my head with my hands, trying to clear my mind. I could feel the darkness beginning to claim my mind. I scrambled for pills, looking all around. All I could find was advil. My fist reached up and punched the glass medicine cabinet, smashing through. I felt myself becoming almost completely consumed by darkness and screamed, falling to the floor, balling my eyes out. I heard a loud knock on the door and a frantic voice. I could not make out the words. Everything was beginning to be hazy. I was still on the floor face down, arm dripping with blood, fist bleeding from the glass, tears streaming down my face. The door crashed open from a firm kick. Andy yelled "NOO (Y/N) OH MY GOSH." when he saw me. I felt two firm hands grab my shoulder and turn me around. I stared up at him, trying to lift out of the haze I was in. Andy was frantically grabbing towels and trying to talk to me. He asked questions in a rush for a while, but after I had not responded, he started to talk to me in a more calm way, reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. My haze had cleared and I took a big breath in, starting to hyperventilate. Andy looked at me with a combination of concern and calmness. "Hey hey hey no don't worry everything is going to be okay." He said softly, holding my head up. He sat me up against the wall and brought a towel to wipe off my arm. I winced at the sting of the towel on my fresh cuts. Andy held my hand, allowing me to squeeze it while he wiped off the remaining blood. He then brought over two more cold, wet towels and a glass of water. He sat against the wall, himself and sat me up against him. He again held the cold towel firmly on my arm, trying to stop the bleeding. Andy remained silent for this time. He slowly and gently rested his head on my shoulder and I felt a warm, wet drop roll down my back, then another. I would've tried to tell him that it's okay and for him not to worry, but couldn't. Andy lifted his head, took off the towel and replaced it with a thin dry one that stayed wrapped around my arm. Andy picked up the glass of water and brought it close to my face and whispered "you really need to drink this" I took a sip and almost threw up, gagging. Andy knew at that moment that I had thrown up several times. "oh..holy shit." I could hear him mumble. He turned me around to face him. "(Y/N) I really need you to try your absolute hardest to eat or drink something. I know your not gonna want it but if you don't have anything I might need to take you to the hospital right now." Andy looked in my eyes to try to get me to pay attention to him. "Will you try" he asked again. I gave a small nod, seeming to use a lot of strength. At this time I had lost a lot of blood and probably had nothing at all in my stomach. I couldn't stand up, I couldn't even move. Andy picked me up and carried me to my bed. He slowly set me down and grabbed the glass of water and a piece of bread. I took them both, feeling a little less faint. But when this happened I immediately felt the sting all the way up my arm and the stabbing pain on my knuckles. My eyes filled with tears and started to cry. Andy was by the side of my bed and pulled me into a tight hug. I relaxed and i stayed in his arms for several minutes. I pulled away, knowing I would have to explain what had happened. Id rather do it quick then drag it out so no crying, no panic attacks, and no breaks. I started before he could even ask. "(F/N) did all of this" handing him my phone. I gave him a minute to read through everything and right as he was about to explode I cut him off "so I had a small panic attack and got in bed. I woke up about an hour ago and I couldn't handle all the pain I have been going through the past years and especially this year. So I went to the bathroom cut a little too deep, threw up, and looked for pills but couldn't find any so I punched the cabinet, screamed and fell." Andy's mouth opened slightly and his eyes filled with tears. Andy hugged me tighter than he ever has before burying his head in my neck. He mumbled through the hug "please don't ever leave me. I love you so much" he pulled away from the hug and looked at my straight in the eyes. "Please don't try that again. Please try to treat yourself right. I could've lost you tonight and I can't handle that, and you shouldn't have to go through that. You are the most important thing in my life. Im always going to be here for you to help you, come and talk to me, I love you." "I love you too Andy." I hugged him again and whispered "so much"

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Should I write more or should that be the end??