Magicians Secret // Big Mouth

1.7 Ken-doll

Jessie

The human psychology is extremely complex. Your mind manipulates your eyes if you let it, which I do. I convince myself that things I see aren't what they are. Like when I don't speak to my best friend for over a week because she was 'too busy with school' yet is still flunking out and coming to school wearing oversized mens clothing and with fat hickeys she fails to cover up dotted around her neck like polka dots, I ignore the obvious lie by forcing myself to excuse it- maybe she fell over and got her neck bruised by a rock, and she's wearing her brother's clothes because she likes the way they fit. And I convince myself that Andy isn't sorry for what he said so that I can stay mad at him for a little longer, despite the fact that he stares and me and Nina in every class with creepy longing, and hasn't stopped texting me memes I begrudgingly refuse to laugh at. 

School is a pretty lonely place no matter how you spin it. Not all the time, but it really can be. When I was in middle school I was part of some kind of community, but high school is too big for big inclusive groups. I only really have two friends, no matter how I try to spin it. Andy, the pathetic narcissist hippy and Nina, the mystery girl with anger issues that I whole-heartedly encourage. 

We get along really well usually, the three of us. Despite the few times we've fallen out, they always seem to care about me more than I do myself most days. I think about my life before them, and I realise that I was never too close with anyone I hung out with, just got swallowed by a group and dissolved into a secondary character. Except, I guess, Nick. Nick and I met before we could even talk, just sounds we made at each other like cavemen. And when we both could form legible sentences, I figured out how much of an asshole he could be, but I was already too involved in our friendship. I'd like to think we just drifted like people do over the years, but I know that's not true. I don't feel guilty about what I said at Jay's party, when I rejected him. But I do feel bad about what it did to our friendship.

That party was the turning point for all of us, its when I found Nina and Andy, recently lonely and in need of comfort and intimacy and friendship. We gave that to each other at the core of everything else. That intimacy that feels almost primal, but then embarrassing to be so desperate for. I think about Nick sometimes, I think about how much fun we used to have together, how easy conversations flowed, still do when they happen on occasion. I think about what it must be like for him to hang around all of those annoying seniors and actually tolerate them.

I stare into the vast space of my empty locker, filling it with my thoughts as they spill out of my head carelessly, making room for the new spurts of imagination or memories. When I close the locker door, Nina is standing behind it giddily, practically bouncing up and down with anticipation. She looks extremely relaxed, her skin glowing and her hair soft and cascading beside her shoulders, and she's wearing a pale grey long sleeved dress that's clinging religiously to her figure. 

"Hi there." I say, leaning against my locker and cocking my eyebrow to her, hoping that she catches my suspicion of her sudden constant satisfaction.

"Jess, holy shit. I have something to tell you." she says rapidly, wasting no time. 

She leans in, her hair falling in messy pieces around her face, and grabs my Stones t-shirt to drag me into her orbit.

"Don't ask me how I know this," she begins, looking briefly at me, but mainly scanning the hallway, "But.. you know Nick.."

She stops, and I sigh. My anticipation has evaporated, but she remains itchy with excitement. At this moment, Nick Birch himself emerges himself from a classroom and walks to his locker across the hallway, Nina slams her back against the lockers and gazes at him, nudging me.

"What about Nick?" I ask, alternating my stares between him and Nina.

"Nick.." she starts, then whispers, "is hot."