Addicted

Chapter 2 (Kristina)

The cheeto dust is in every single crevice of my body. It burns because the cheetos are spicy. Science doesn't support this but it works. I need to get this shit off of me, and Renee needs to get this and the literal shit off of her.

We go into the upstairs bathroom of Kaylon's house and turn on the shower. Renee undresses, but she keeps on her dark red beanie. I take off the clothes the way a stripper would as Renee makes it rain money on my tall body.

"Call me Cinnabooty," I say as the dollar bills stick to my syrup covered body.

"How the fuck did you get syrup all over yourself, Cinnabooty?" Renee asks as she rains the last dollar onto me.

"Cinnamon and syrup are friends. They stay together forever. An unbroken friendship. Do not disturb. Don't be a ho, respect it!" I answer, peeling the nasty ass bills off of me.

Renee and I hop into the shower, which was a terrible idea because, as she lands, Renee slips and her head hits the faucet and splits in two. Since her head is no longer intact, she must speak through her bellybutton.

Renee's bellybutton faces me, and says, "Tape my god damn head back together, asshole! This water is turning red and water isn't supposed to be red and I want the world to be back in order so please tape my head back together and restore the order of the world."

Coincidentally, there's tape on the floor of the shower, so I use it to tape the ho's head back together. She stands up and her head is normal and doesn't have tape on it. We start singing the dubstep version of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," and we record it and get it on our upcoming album, "Three Cheers for Hella Rad, Yolo Dawg, Whattup," featuring the tracks "My Pimp Said No," "Fuck Off, Michelangelo," and "Tape My God Damn Head Back Together, Asshole!"

There's a moment in the shower where Renee begins to start biting off my shoulder, which I somehow enjoy. Must be a kink. A cannabalism kink. Thank you, Shia LaBeouf. Thank you for your inspiration.

Renee and I share a bar of soap the way the dogs share spaghetti in Lady and the Tramp, and it is a beautiful moment until I acquire soap poisoning and fall to the shower floor, twitching uncontrollably. Since we are still singing the dubstep version of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," Renee believes that I am dancing and joins me on the floor, twitching. Somehow, we end up scissoring but I'm not going to go into detail about that because this is MY PERSONAL LIFE AND I MAKE THE RULES AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO KNOW MY PRIVATE INFORMATION ABOUT MY SEXUAL EXPERIENCE WITH A LESBIAN WHO WEARS A BEANIE IN THE SHOWER AND EATS SHOULDERS TO TURN ME ON.

When our scissors are no longer together, we leave the shower and dry each other with green towels because St. Patrick's day was last month and we are spirited people. When we go downstairs, all of the cheetos are gone and no one is covered in cheeto dust anymore. Instead, they're playing beer pong with rat poisoning instead of beer. I love Kennedy's creative idea for this game.

Kaylon gets the ping pong ball in the cup everytime because she's the master at everything besides growing tits, and Kelsie misses everytime because she's a clumsy motherfucker and throws with her feet. Once again, Kelsie has to drink another cup of rat poisoning. I turn to Renee to kiss her, and when I turn back, Kelsie has no eyes, yet her smile remains painted on her pale face. A new pair of eyes roll into her eye sockets, but these ones are black, like a demon. Kaylon screams and pours salt on her lover. Kelsie screams, and Kaylon chants something in latin to a cross necklace and drops it into a cup of water, proceeding to pour it on the demonized Kelsie. Kelsie screams and collaspes onto the ground, black smoke seeping from her skin.

"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!" screams the non-religious Kaylon at Kelsie as she sprinkles salt and holy water on the poor girl.

Saxon performs an exorcism on Kelsie as all of this is happening, and the demon leaves Kelsie's body. The black smoke flows out of Kelsie's mouth at an alarming speed, vanishing into the air.

Kelsie stands up and dips a tortilla chip she found on the ground in salsa liquid, then eats it. This has not been the first time that Kelsie's been possessed, and, frankly, will not be the last, considering Kelsie's a dumbass and summons demons every Thursday with her friend, Shaquille O'Neal. Today is in fact Thurday, and Kelsie had completed the summoning ritual with Shaq earlier in the day. Oh well.

I'm throwing up from the soap. A hamster is grabbing my pinky toe and eating it. Three hundred Lindsay Lohans fly through the window on brooms and take our salsa. That's okay. We have more salsa, and Renee fought off the hamster and the remaining Lindsays.