Phoenix

CHAPTER ONE

This now empty room feels almost suffocating as I walk out and back into the world. Hair tied in something less than your average messy bun, sweats fitting tighter on my slim to nothing body then they did when I arrived. I hate to say it but I'm going to miss this place.

" -and don't forget about your regimen Ms. Fisher!" Breathe. Step. Breathe. Step. "It's okay we're almost out just a few more steps" I remind myself as I head out the doors of the McGuthry home for the mentally challenged

"Remember that doctor said take it easy for a few weeks" my mother says as we reach the black BMW that sits out in the driveway. 

"Yeah, and she told you not to hassle me mother, this isn't my first rodeo-" 

"but it will be you last Phoenix please promise me that."

I don't answer to her last pleading deal. Not because I don't plan to try, but because last time I promised I would eat, I ended up back here worse than before. My mom while sweet and all, she doesn't understand what that promise means for me. I've tried to explain to her how my brain works but all she says is " it's not that hard Nix, you pick up the food and eat it."

the drive back home is nothing less than awkward. the muted whistle of the wind from outside is sickening as it fights the silence within the car. My mother trying her hardest to not look at me is nothing but obvious with it only being the two of us. I know it's hard for her. Most parents worry about their twenty-one-year-old kids getting blackout drunk and doing something ridiculously stupid, but my mom, she worries about how much calories I intake each day making sure I don't roll over and die.

I know this isn't her first choice of life, playing caretaker to her battered and bruised daughter, and trust me it wasn't mine either, but what more can I do. I didn't choose to have an eating disorder; I didn't choose to lose every friend I had. I didn't want any of this, I just wanted to be skinny. So, when the numbers started dropping, I got happier, and I know what you're thinking, but no I didn't think it would get this far out of hand. I skipped breakfast, then lunch, then before I knew it the thought of eating in its entirety disgusted me, and four years later here I am.

Pulling into the driveway is nerve-racking. Knowing my mother, she has my siblings standing at the door awaiting the arrival of their sister "that could finally come home from college." She tries her best to try and hide my condition from my family, especially my younger sisters but it's hard. My family really never comes around anymore, my mom says it's because they're always busy, but I know it's because my "condition" is getting hard to hide.

Walking up the steps to the porch has my heart going at the speed of light. its been 6 months since I've been here. Six months since the last room raid that led me to this point, and opening this door is nothing but a constant reminder of that night.

"Phoenix baby wake up, please just wake up!" 

My steps are small entering the house, everything as it was the last time I saw it, and suprisingly no one awaits for me .

"It's okay baby everything is gonna be ok" 

Memories of that night flooding my brain as I process each step I take.

"Ma'am you need to back off so we can do your job, we are trying to save you daughter's life."

"Breathe Phoenix" my mother's voice cuts through the awaken nightmare. 

"Nix? Is that really you?".... Nora. Nora is the oldest of my little sisters. My mom and I learned a long time ago that we couldn't hide my disorder from her, so she's the one who helps hide my "condition".

She looks completely different. Her long blonde hair is now blue and cut short, her doe eyes are covered in inches of black eyeliner with intricate designs. She is obviously not the happy go lucky Nora that I left here and part of me wonders if that's my fault

"Hey Nor, how's it been?" my voice is scratchy and low. So low, that not even Sure she heard me until she responds. 

"I can't believe its really you! oh my god hey I've been okay how are you holding up?" it's something about her voice that tells me she's more worried about what I'm gonna say then she is curious. 

"I've been alright I mean it's McGuthry's but I got through it" I can't even look her in the face as I respond because the truth is that I'm not through it but I can't just throw that out in the open especially right now.

"For real this time?" the desperateness in her voice cuts me like a knife but I don't answer. I walk further inside the house, clenching onto my carry on with every last bit of strength I have. 

"Baker what do we have" 

" Female twenty-one unresponsive on the scene, mother says she has a history of anorexia bulimia. SAT'S are in the 80's we need to get her on oxygen NOW"

  I stop walking suddenly wanting to curl in a ball. "I'm gonna go lay down." I say heading to my room. The air in the room is suddenly suffocating. This is all too much too fast. 

"Phoenix you have to eat" my mother says, her voice full of an emotion i'm yet to read correctly. 

"I will I promise, I just need to rest. This is all just- it's just too much. i'm just tired" I say walking to my room. "Here i"ll help" Nora says grabbing my bag. I'm too tired to protest as I continue my way up the stairs. 

"Mrs. Fisher are you aware that your daughter has been starving herself?" Who is that? Where am I? 

"She suffers from anorexia we've been managing it" Okay where the fuck am I. 

Entering my room feels weird. Clothes still scattered everywhere from the last time i was here and i'm almost instantly taken back, the loneliness hitting me like a semi-truck. 

"Just leave it there nor, i'm fine." i say to Nora as she stands in the opening of the door. As she leaves, all I can do is stand there, frozen. why did I come back? why did i let myself be brought back here?