Phoenix

CHAPTER TWO

As I open my eyes it takes me a minute to realize where I'm at, but when I do I instantly freeze. The glow in the dark stars that should have been thrown out ages ago still sit in a constellation I no longer know the name of, reminding me exactly how long I've been gone. As I lay in my bed the smell of Italian sausage radiates around the room. I swing my feet over the ledge of my bed and in an instant I'm dizzy. After a minute of sitting trying to regain my strength I start to head out of my room and down the stairs.

The sound of the TV is muted by voices and footsteps telling me that other siblings are home. Reaching the end of the stairs my feet come to a stop. "just relax" I tell myself "just smile and relax." As I get to the end of the hall I stop to peek into the kitchen, everyone is smiling and laughing almost as if it was a natural occurrence. "it is" the voice in my head begins "just not for you." ignoring the interior assault, i walk into the kitchen and almost instantly the conversation stops. Everyone's eyes are suddenly on me, my five foot-seven exterior suddenly feeling small. No one moves. No one talks. We all just sit there for what seems like hours.

"Nix!" The voice is what cuts the tension. Snapping out of the trance i didn't know i was in, i look down at my overly excited sister, Forest. Forest and her twin Amille are the youngest out of my three sisters. They're only eight and completely oblivious to everything that's been going on. The day my mom found out about my disorder she sat me down and we had a talk.

"Phoenix i just want to understand why this happened sweetie."

"Mom, I told you I can't explain, it just happened."

"I want you to understand that I'm not ashamed of you in any way, we just can't tell anyone about this, not right now at least." That was four years ago.

Everyone's eyes are still on me waiting for what I do next, what I might say. "hey baby it's so nice to see you" I say rubbing the top of her head. Giggling forest runs off, probably going to find something more interesting to do.

Averting my eyes to the kitchen where Nora and my mom stand pretending to read the directions on the garlic bread box, I walk in slowly, grabbing a cup out of the counter. walking to the fridge, silence once again fills the room. I pull out the water heading back to where my empty cup stands.

" your shakes are in there also hun" my mom says mid pour.

"Those are an alternative option mom" Nora cuts in "you know for when she doesn't eat"

"Nora Morgan what the hell is wrong with you-"

She's not wrong mom" I say interrupting. They always do this and nothing I say or do can stop it. It's always something small that gets them started and it always ends up with me being stuck without anything to say, with me in the middle.

"Look, can we not start this? I have a headache and I don't feel like hearing you guys argue over something you both know nothing about." I say rolling my eyes as I walk out the kitchen and head to the living room that is currently filled with tubs of slime from the twins.

Everything leading up to dinner is a blur after that. Mom and Nora arguing, the twins running around doing god knows what and me sitting in the same spot for what seems like hours. Life feels like it's going at the speed of light while I'm stuck in limbo waiting for someone to pull me out. It's about eight when my mom calls me to dinner and sitting at the table feels weirder than ever. The portion on my plate is uncomfortably large and my mother looking up at me every two bites doesn't help either. After about thirty minutes of awkward silence accompanied by the occasional bickering from the twins, I get up to put my plate away. I only ate half of what's given to me but I can't stomach any more food or looks given to me by my mom and Nora. On my way to the kitchen I'm stopped in my tracks by my mother.

" Nix, are you sure you don't want to try and eat more?"

"Mom I'm full i can't eat anymore or I'll be sick" i say rolling my eyes. This is ridiculous.

"I know honey but the doctor said-"

"I don't care what the doctor said." I say cutting my mom off. I'm tired of her bullshit already. "You can't rush my recovery, you know nothing about me or what goes through my head." I say finally having enough

"Mommy, why was Nix at the doctors?" Amille says across the table. I forgot they were in there.

"No reason baby, just eat your food." Mom says locking eyes with me as I walk back upstairs to my room. I need a shower.

Undressing has always made me uncomfortable. I'm incredibly thin, my ribs and collarbone seemingly sticking out as far as my nose through what seems like a thin layer of skin holding them in, but somehow I'm not thin enough. Looking in the mirror i start to cry, i don't know why or how long the crying lasted, but the sleep that came soon after felt comatose to my fragile body, but waking up the next morning somehow felt worse.