If they had expected the realisation to solve all of their problems, they would have been in for an unpleasant surprise. Instead of a weight being lifted off their shoulders, they were now hyperaware of every feeling of wrongness they would have previously brushed off. Every time a teacher called them 'Mister Snape', and even when they went up to sleep in the boys' dormitory, they felt a sharp pang in their chest.
They considered telling Lily, their only friend, but in the end they decided not to. Even if she was the nicest person they knew, there was no knowing how she might react to the words "I'm not actually a boy." Even if she reacted positively, Severus themself didn't even know what exactly they were or if there was even a word for it. They determined that before they shared their feelings with another living person, they would consult the library.
Several hours later, after skimming through a rather large stack of books they thought they had found an answer. A word: nonbinary. They were not a boy, nor were they a girl, they were just a person. They also learned about gender dysphoria which, they realised, was the feeling of wrongness they felt every time someone referred to them as a boy. They felt it when the word boy or young man were directed at them, or when they were subconsciously placed in the category of male.
They had read that some trans or nonbinary people changed their name because their birthname (or deadname, as the book had called it) either didn't feel like them, made them uncomfortable because it was associated with the gender they were assigned at birth. While their birth name was undeniably masculine, they didn't mind it. In fact they quite liked their name, it was one of the only ways people addressed them that didn't make them feel dysphoric or wrong.
Over the years, they got used to people calling them the wrong things. The pain never went away or lessened but by now they had heard it all so many times that they were all but numb to it.
By the time they graduated they still hadn't told anyone and didn't plan to.
YOU ARE READING
The One Who Accepted Me
FanfictionSeverus Snape had always been uncomfortable with the way that others perceived them but they didn't know why. Until they did.
