Main Sequence (BL)

1

*WARNING*

LANGUAGE VIOLENCE SELF HARM ANXIETY DEPRESSION HOMOPHOBIA HARASSMENT DEATH DRUGS ABUSE ALCOHOL ADDICTION PREGNANCY PARAPLEGIA ANGST BLOOD MATURE UNDIAGNOSED MENTAL DISORDERS

1

AKIO POV

Nobody has the perfect life and that was something I had to learn the hard way. Deserving but unwarranted, I had been so focused on my own issues, closeted by selfishness and ignorance. I couldn't see anyone else; hell, I don't even think I could see myself. I didn't realize it then but I do now. We all have demons in our orbit, chasing us relentlessly while we're fighting silently, though they are the loudest thing in life. Everyone seemed to lose their voices knowing the only way to relief is vocalizing a plea for solitude. We can't search for hope in falsity and there isn't some magic pool at the bottom of every blistering volcano. Expecting love from hate is wishful thinking and self destruction all at once; expecting a different outcome is delusional. To surrender to your insanity would be the easiest solution, but is it the most wise?

Nothing's changed since I graduated; I'm the same self-pitying coward I was back then. This morning, the alarm clock went off too many times to count. Groggily, I sat up in bed yawning just as loudly as my alarm in retaliation. I knew I needed to get up, but this was the first night I rested without the interruption of a nightmare. I took one last look at the time and sighed again, attempting to exhale those demons screaming about my laziness. I wish they would be quiet for once.

I checked my phone, but there were no messages for me to miss. I didn't mind; to me, they were bullets I'd managed to dodge. If there is a god, why did he make me like this? Guess he has to get his kicks somehow, I'm the guinea pig. All my school years I've never made any friends. I was awkward, quiet, and I got picked on every day. The only people I've been able to count on for years now are my best friend, Ryu Ueno, and my mom. Sadly, they couldn't be around all the time like I know we all wished.

I'm nervous and mortified, yet I know I shouldn't be; at least not with Ryu around, but that very thing might be the cause. His cold expressions, unapproachable aura, and intimidating demeanor only caused fear. Just one look could cause an entire army to retreat, but not me. We've known each other since we were toddlers, but I'm not sure time is the reason that we were so close. There was an older kid who went missing in school recently, and it was rumored that Ryu had something to do with it. I doubt it, it was just a rumor. People were scared and pointing fingers. Maybe this kid wandered off somewhere just like his name suggested.

Honestly, Ryu is a troublemaker but from what I've seen so far, Ryu had never actually made another bleed. The anger became worse the older he got, usually coped in the form of fighting, skipping and bad manners. His pride, animosity and stubbornness got the better of him. Even after the dreaded day my secret came out, everyone averted their eyes and refrained from making any comments, they knew better with Ryu shadowing me. I couldn't figure it out—is it friendship or manipulation? Maybe this is black despondency, maybe this is martyrdom.

Life is a roller coaster and I should understand bad days and good days come with the blessing of living, or is it condemnation? Sometimes emotion is nonexistent, and sometimes I'm overwhelmed and frantic. It's progressively getting worse, an unpredictable metronome. I'm a pendulum of emotional irregularity, sporadically scribbling in the air. I'm going to end up more alone if I stay like this, I just know it, but maybe I already am. The thing that I dreaded, I also immensely needed.