All or nothing

Chapter Twelve

Kamalig 

Saina's

I chose not to know anything about what happened in the office earlier. I turned my phone off and I refuse to turn the tv on, baka kasi biglang ibalita sa mga news show ang nangyari kay Papa. Pakiramdam ko manhid na ako. Sobrang lungkot ko, mas pinili ko na lang walang maramdaman.

And then, I saw Gerry Birada, it turned out our new model is his ex – wife. The one Barang was telling me about, iyong sinasabi ni Avery na kinatatangahan daw ni Gerry. I felt awful right after seeing them. I hate it. Ang akala ko dating stage na kami, we fucked, we talked and then we fucked all morning, but then I guess, it's just the fucking that matters to him. Lalaki si Gerry, he has needs and that morning, I was the free pass, of course he'll take advantage of it. I sighed. I shouldn't feel things. Hindi ako dapat nag-iisa rito sa silid ko habang hinahayaan si Haniel na manood ng tv sa labas at tahimik na umiiyak.

I am getting a headache. I am starting to hate myself. I hate myself for feeling so vulnerable. I hate myself for being weak. I could feel that psychological itch in around my body. I am not okay. This shouldn't be happening to me. I sobbed a little harder and the next thing I knew, my tears was being wept away by my little boy.

"Mommy, are you crying because..." Hindi niya maituloy ang sinasabi niya. He bit his lower lip. Hindi ako dapat nakikita ni Haniel na ganito. "Just like in Italy. When you felt alone?" My heart melted. Haniel is too young for him to see me like this. "But, Mommy you're not alone, I'm here."

"Oh my little boy." I smiled through the tears/ His warm hand found my cheeks. I wrapped my arms around his skinny frame and inhaled. "Baby, I'm so sorry." I sighed. "It's just that, Mommy had a bad day at work today and, and..."

"I had a bad day at school too." He said with that little pout. It was cute but I was alarmed when he said that he had a bad day. I wiped my tears and made him sit beside me.

"Tell me what happened." I smiled at him.

"Well, Joshua was telling me how he was very excited for Saturday because we are going to play a new video game together, but then suddenly, Uncle Gerry came with a woman – Joshua's Mom and suddenly our plan changed. Hindi na kami maglalaro sa Saturday kasi may pupuntahan na raw sila."

I suddenly remembered our model's face. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng inis nang maalala ko siya. Nakakainis talaga, but then, wala naman akong karapatang makaramdam ng inis sa kanya. Malabo ang judgement ko sa ngayon, naiinis ako dahil kay Gerry. Tama, I admit that I am pissed because of that mother fucker, I shouldn't feel any grudge towards Joshua's mom, wala naman siyang ginagawa sa akin.

"That's okay. If you want we can spend our Saturday with Tita Avery and the twins. Niyaya niya akong magpunta sa farm ng asawa ng kapatid niya. Diba sabi mo gusto mong makakita ng horses? Sabi ni Tita Avery maraming horses sa hacienda na iyon or maybe we could go to Gramy's farm in Batangas, walang horses roon pero maraming baka." I try to sound as fun as I could be. Parang nag-iisip si Haniel.

"I miss Gramy..."

"Yes..."

"But I wanna play with Ern and Elle and see horses! Maybe we can go with Tita Avery! But Daddy won't be there! He said he has to go with Lolo and Tito Kambal sa Pangasinan!"

"Okay, then we'll go with Tita Avery." I ruffled his hair.

"Mom, wag ka nang ma-sad." He kissed my cheeks. "You always said that everything is enough kahit it's just the two of us."