baby on board ❧ am au

four

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     | a u s t i n |

     “Austin! Holy shit! Madison’s walking!” I hear Rob scream, making me race to see my daughter walking a few feet in the living room, before falling on her butt. I wait for the cries, but instead she giggles, clapping her hands together. Madison is about 11 months old, and is turning 1 soon. Her mom dropped her off a few weeks ago, and I haven’t had the need to call Bentley. That’s what I tell myself though. I just don’t have the guts to. 

     But I have to call her up soon since Madison’s birthday is coming up a few weeks after mine on April 30 and Bentley is like a mom to her. I wonder if Bentley would even come though. She just came to help get us started, and I doubt she wants to be permanent in Madison’s life.

     “I got it on my phone!” Alex cheers as he sends it to me. I don’t know why but it affected me that the boys saw her walk and I didn’t. She is my daughter after all. I’ve learned to live with the fact I have a kid. It’s something I’ll just get use to it. Hopefully I’ll learn to accept it fully.

Without Bentley I don’t want this baby, but because of this baby I got Bentley and she sees the good in me. She believes I can do this.

But one thing I still need to do is tell my mom still.

     I don’t know how she is going to handle all this. I wonder if she’ll hate me. Maybe she’ll even disown me for being so stupid. She’d give me a lecture on protection and maybe making sure the girl was on birth control. But I’d just zone her out and hope she’ll finish talking soon. I don’t want a lecture. I already learned my lesson.

     I head over to the kitchen counter, pulling out a chair at the table and sitting on it. I pull out my IPhone, looking at the video a few times. I have to smile too because Madison’s my baby. I do understand that, and she’s cute. She’s really cute.

     I then find myself scrolling through my contacts and landing on Bentley’s. I wonder what she’s going right now. I don’t think I should call her, she’s probably working or out with some boyfriend she probably has. I can probably count on it she has a boyfriend and is too shy to admit it. The guys would be shit faced to find it out. 

     I wonder what her type is. Probably a guy who isn’t a teenage father that’s for sure. I don’t need to even worry about Bentley liking me either. I could do better? Who am I kidding? No I couldn’t. She’s out of my league and everyone knows that. Someone like her can’t be single. It’s unlikely.

     I scroll through more contacts seeing my mom’s. I had to see her too, and pay her a visit. So I texted her, telling her I would be coming over soon. But I did not want to face that one alone. That’s more sure so now I’m scrolling back to Bentley’s contact, terrified to press the call button.

Maybe she’s busy.

Or maybe she’s annoyed with me.

Or maybe she doesn’t want to help anymore.

     “Can you just call her and grow some balls?” I hear Zach say before knocking me over the head with one of Madison’s toys. I rub the back of it that actually stung a little bit from the hit. Damn, that boy throws hard. Plus, who knew a kid’s toy could hurt so much.

     But it knocked some sense into me. I press on Bentley’s contact, hoping she could talk to me at 2 during the day. Plus, I could brag to her about how my baby girl took her first steps. I’m sure she’ll be elated to hear that.

     Sometimes I wish I waited for sex. I could’ve started a family later on. Gotten married before the kid even arrived, but then again the kid part is over me and I’ll know on to raise my next one. I could actually be with my girl as she suffered through the painful 9 months. I’d be at her side like fucking glue to make sure her and the baby are okay. I wish I could’ve done that for Madison. I wish she could’ve grown up with a mom and a dad. But instead she’s stuck with her 3 uncles and her shit of a dad.

     “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail, and by my voicemail I mean Bentley’s voicemail. So leave a message for me and I’ll call you as soon as I-“

I hung up too much of a pussy to leave a message. 

     I shove my phone into my back pocket and head back over to Madison. She’s trying to climb onto the couch, so I pick her up and sit her down on my lap. I recline it and lay back. She immediately turns her body to be on top of mine and then clinging her arms around my torso. A pink binky is stuck in her mouth, and I can hear her sucking on it softly. She looks about ready to pass out.

     I pull my phone out, putting it on silent because I don’t want her to wake back up and start crying. I then grab the tv remote and turn on something soothing, deciding on some kiddy show on netflix. I turn it down low, and I just let Madison lay there.

     I push her hair back a bit and she’s watching me. She’s watching me like a fucking hawk and I feel all the pressure. My little fucking girl could be judging every thing I do to her, and I wouldn’t even know. She could be a lot smarter then I think. Shit, maybe I smell bad or something. I don’t know, but I continue to just fix her hair before going to rub her back softly.

     I softly hum to her, hoping to get her to fall asleep faster and it seems to be working. She looks a little sleepy and her eyes are shutting close faster then I imagined. It’s like I put her to sleep in a matter of two seconds because she’s out. She’s dozed off dreaming about what ever the fuck babies dream about. Maybe it’s boob milk; I really don’t know.

      It sucks because I had to buy a certain milk for her since I can’t give her breast milk. It’s not as heathy which really sucks for her health. It’s got me a little worried, but she’s getting fed. She’ll just be a litter skinny then other babies around her age.

     I wish she could have a mom in her life. She’d be better because I sure as hell don’t want her to ask me about boobs and vaginas and periods and all that girl stuff I can’t give her answers to. And I hope my mom is still alive to be able to do that or I have some steady girlfriend who I know I’ll marry to tell her. I sure as hell am too scared to. 

     God, I have this fucking little girl who will grow up to be a teenager and I’ll want to strangle myself every day from her attitude. If she’s my kid she actually might not have a lot of it, but she may get something from her mother that I don’t know about. I don’t even know who her mother is and what her back ground is. I know nothing. She could have some weird disease that runs in her mom’s family and I wouldn’t know. 

     I decide to go put Madison in her crib after a good 30 minutes because I was ready to snooze off myself. Dealing with a kid gives you less sleep. I’m exhausted.

     I pick her up, turning off the tv, then heading up. The guys were playing pool (might I add very loudly) and I had to glare at them all to shut the fuck up because this annoying little shit is sleeping and I need sleep too. 

     When I arrive in my room, I decide to let Madison sleep with me in my bed. I suppose I wouldn’t mind. So I lay down, and she’s still got her arms wrapped around me. I look down at her one last time, and I smile a bit.

I created that. 

     It still weirds me out that I created this small little human being. This beautiful little thing is mine and most nights I really don’t like her. I also really regret her sometimes and my emotions change from love to hate. I really don’t even know how to continue to accept this because if someone else me if I had a kid I’d say no. I just can’t believe this is true. But here she is and she’s all mine.

I’d have to make her her own bedroom soon, and I felt the sudden spark of motivation to do it. 

     I had a spare room too, so I got up. I pick her up, setting her down in her crib. I then head out, picking up my car keys and going straight to the paint store. Next stop was Toys R Us and I don’t know where else I am suppose to go. But I’d figure it out later.

I had my baby girl’s room to make.