Note
Just all the things I wish I could say out loud and feel empowered.
They have to be said, even if it's just in my head, at least I tried, even if I failed.
Now nobody knows
Now nobody cares
Now you won't see me
Now I won't be there
And how dare you ask
If sexual abuse is the same as rape
Haven't you hurt me enough?
Haven't you seen me cry?
Haven't you made me bleed?
Would I then not die?
Am I not pained enough?
Why do you ask?
Why do you need every excruciating detail?
But I couldn't forget.
Not the scars, not the face, not the voice, not the eyes.
I have relived it for years.
Now I can't forget.
I have tried and failed again and again.
Now you apologize, when the deed is done.
How can you?
You ask for forgiveness when I'm out of it for myself.
But yet you ask, should I consider it a good thing?
Do you really expect to be forgiven?
Do you expect a thank you?
Should I get revenge?
You don't feel the same.
You aren't sorry,
You just wanna see me break
You're doing it for an effect
You didn't suffer.
You didn't care.
You're not hurt,
Beyond repair
Why, I ask.
Why me, why that?
Why did you have to?
Did you like to see me cry?
Why did you hurt me so?
Did it not suffice?
You had to violate me.
You had to see,
After the deed was done,
What it did to me.
You'd laugh and joke about it,
Was it so funny?
When I couldn't move.
When I couldn't cry.
When I couldn't speak.
When I didn't fight.
It wasn't fair,
You had the advantage
You weren't alone
You weren't smaller
You weren't scared
You weren't twelve
Now I'm devastated
Now I'm worthless
Now I'm weak
Now I'm hurt
Now I bleed
Endlessly.
Now there's trauma
Now there's fire
Now there's blood
Now there's demons in my head
And there's water to soothe the pain
I've got poison,
I've got wounds,
Yes, there's scars,
And distress.
What did you want to do?
If not break me
You didn't think of the repercussions
Then how could you say you cared?
You never did,
Would you hurt me then?
Why did you?
Just why did you have to?
What did you want to convey?
Was it anger?
What had I done to deserve it?
Did you not think it was unfair play?
But no, it doesn't matter, why am I still trying to find an excuse to let you go from my mind?
Why can't I just accept that it was you in all consciousness?
You knew what you were doing, all too well, but you didn't stop, did you?
You hurt me so much, so easily.
And I thought I had a friend in you.
It was so sudden, what do I think?
What do I do?
I have no answers, only emptiness, questions that are hollow after so long,
They never had answers, because I didn't care enough.
Not even about myself.
I didn't acknowledge it because keeping it that way, it would eventually disappear into a dark void of nothingness.
If only you could experience even a fraction of what I've been going through,
Every second of everyday, you'd know the harm you've done and how it's affected me.
If only you could step into my shoes and know the horrors of constantly being pulled down by yourself because you feel so unworthy.
If only for a minuscule second you could get into my head and see for yourself, if only you could know the horrors, the damage you've done, irreversible and serious, but not like you care enough.
Not like you ever did.
Maybe I am at fault here, from where I stand, it's on me, I'm to blame and I'm responsible.
But maybe I'm not.
What do I do now?
What do I say?
Why do I cry?
Why am I scared?
Why can't I sleep?
What am I screaming for years later?
You've become a night terror.
It's done now but it still haunts me.
I still wake up in cold sweat.
I still shiver at the thought of you in my bed.
You've never left me since that night.
Now I'm insecure and messed up in the head.
The thoughts, the demons won't let me be.
I'm all alone, it haunts me.
Why am I dizzy?
It's the pills that shut you out.
The pills that help me rest.
Soon I'll consume enough and take a leap to elongate that slumber to eternal sleep.
