𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐇 𝐖𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 [slow updates]

𝟗

CINDY

Whether my recent weight gain is due to my pregnancy or stress eating, I'm not sure.

All that I have been able to determine about... well, anything is that I'm sad. Like truly, deeply, completely sad that Tommy and I are no longer an us.

Last night, he told me I could keep the ring. I wanted to keep wearing it, I did. But sometime between the stress eating and mental meltdown I had at two in the morning, I decided to slip off the engagement ring and put it in my jewelry box.

There was a moment where I was so sad that I became angry. I came this close to throwing out the ring. But I know myself better than that. I know that I wasn't really angry at Tommy. Truthfully, I was mad at myself.

So, if the time comes that I want to wear the ring, stare and reminisce... then I can.

For now, though? I think it's for the better that I've tucked it away. Looking at it is harder than I could have ever imagined.

Looking at it was making me feel guilty, and unsure. It had me wondering if I was crazy, like there was a chance of insincerity in my feelings.

And that definitely wasn't helping anything.

The way I'm occupying myself, the way I'm ignoring my feelings about this all, is by making sure my kid doesn't die.

I've already made an appointment for a prenatal visit with Hope's doctor. Hope said that Dr. Neu was like an angel when she was pregnant with Allie. I'm just hoping I have the same experience, the same nice things to recall later on in time.

For now, the nice thing I've got to say about anything is... nevermind. I have nothing positive to say about this experience.

Instead of speaking or interacting with anyone, I'll wallow.

Except I can't because I have a full day of work ahead of me.

Luckily, all of my jeans are stretchy. Getting into them isn't as bad as some of my skirts or trousers. My shirts all fit fine. And I'm not sure my shoe size is supposed to change. The only problem I'm having with my body right now is my hips and ass.

This isn't new. I mean, I'm curvy—sort of big. A little more than midsized, if you will. My thigh and hips don't always agree with my choice of bottoms, but now there's more room for disagreement.

I've only just become more confident in my body in recent years. That progress feels like it's ready to slip away because I'm getting wider again. I thought I stopped growing at twenty-one.

I grab my bag from the floor beside Tommy's—my desk, I mean.

Sure, I've still got time to grab breakfast, but I'm so not in the mood for that. A coffee and bagel stop will do.

❄︎❄︎❄︎

The bagel is heaven on earth, and this coffee is better than any I've tried before.

In the middle of my first sip, I thought, Shit. You shouldn't have caffeine while pregnant, right?

But then I kept drinking, deciding that if twelve ounces of coffee could get rid of this kid, then I'd be doing every person with a uterus a favor. I'd be on the side of science with the discovery. Especially with all the people trying to take our rights away. It would be a lovely alternative.

I'm stuffing the last piece of my bagel into my mouth when I hear:

"Hi! Are you... shit. Uh... Cindy? Cindy Paul?"