Because I'm Still in Love With You

Chapter 1

Short, staccato breaths and the faintest thud of a heart beat is the only thing he hears. The only things he needs to hear. The only thing keeping him going. The house is crashing and falling around him, Eddie's weight is almost too much in his arms, but it can't be too much, it can't. He had to get him out of his hell hole, he deserved that much. Eddie doesn't deserve to die in this god awful place, not after everything he's been through- stop it Richie, don't think like that. he's gonna make it out, he has too. You can't lose him now, you just got him back. Richie is breathing heavy through his mouth, gasping for air to fill his lungs and he stumbles a bit. Ben had taken notice and took Eddie out of Richies arms. Richie was relieved from the weight being gone, but he refused to let go of Eddie, so he compromised by holding his hand as they ran. Once they were safe in the grass in front of Neilbolt, Ben set Eddie down, still holding Richies jacket that was pressed against his wound, blood soaking through it. Richie takes over, holding it for Ben as he stands up to be with Beverly. "Is anyone's phone working?" Bev yells, her own shattered phone in her hand refusing to turn on. Everyone begins searching their pockets, Richie doesn't even bother with his hands still on Eddie, his eyes never leaving his face. "Mines working!" Mike suddenly yells, holding a phone that's screen is so broken, he cuts his finger dialing 911. "Come on Eddie, you can pull through. I know you can Spaghetti, stay with us. Stay with me." Richie whispers close to Eddie's face. he leans down and presses a gentle kiss to Eddie's hairline. He realizes this might be too intimate, but he finds that he really doesn't care at this point.

He doesn't leave Eddie's side as much as he can in the hospital. Eagerly waiting and listening to any news the doctors will give him.  He only leaves occasionally to take a shower, change his clothes, and get food with the other Losers. He sleeps on the hard plastic chair when he's allowed after Eddie's surgery was successful. Richie was willing to wait in Eddie's room for forever to be there when he woke up. Richie had so much lost time already that he wasn't willing to give up any more of it without Eddie.
Richie is woken up by the door opening one morning. Bev walks in with an apologetic smile on her face. "Sorry hon, didn't realize you were sleeping" Richie returns the smile, "It's all good."
"Wanna go outside for a smoke?" she asks, shaking her lighter in her hand.
"Oh, um, I don't know," Richie turns his towards Eddie "I-"
"You can leave him for just a second," Bev laughs, "I promise you he's not going anywhere." she says in a more gentle tone. He turns back to her and smiles. "Ok." He says and it's barely even a whisper. He clears his throat and says in an exaggerated deep voice, "Ok." Beverly let's out a laugh as she walks through the door and Richie follows. They walk to the smoking area a ways from the front door and Bev pulls out a pack and her lighter. She holds one up to his mouth and he accepts it. She pats his cheek twice and puts one in her own mouth. She lights both of them and they both take long deep drags. "So," she starts. Richie raises his eyebrows at her, as if daring her to go on. "How are you holding up?" he let out a tiny sigh of relief, he was assuming a deeper question from the redhead. "I'm okay, you know just- just taking it day by day."
"That's good then.." she trails off and takes another drag.
"Bev," Richie sighs and Bev turns towards him. "I know you wanna ask something so just ask man, you're making me nervous." As he says the last part he doesn't look her in the eye and suddenly finds the cigarette in his fingers very interesting.
"Ugh, I could never sneak anything past you, could I Trashmouth?" she lets out a breathy laugh, more so just a sharp exhale and shakes her head. "Well.. I just wanted to ask.." she takes a long pause. Long enough for Richie to say, "Yeah?"
"Well um, I was just wondering.. what- oh good lord how do I word this- um, how do you feel about eddie?" Richie looks at her in disbelief, all that build up for that?
"Uhhh, how do I feel... about Eddie. Pretty obvious question there red."
"No! Um that's not what I meant. I just thought, you know, you're here more than anyone else and the kiss at the house, I just-" Richie stops listening at that point. Beverly is still rambling on, trying to explain herself, but Richie isn't hearing a word of it. All that's going through his head is that she knows. She knows. She knows.
"Richie?"
"uh, I- um"
"Richie, you know it's ok, right?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know.. it's ok if you like Eddie that way... if you like men that way. Please don't think that it's not."
"No Bev. It's not- it's not o-fucking-kay! I'm in love with my best friend who married to a fucking woman. Not to mention I'm a forty year old closet case who doesn't even have the balls to say I'm- to say it out loud god dammit!" Richie sighs loudly and buries his face in his hands. He refuses to let himself cry, that would just be even more pathetic. "So," Bev says while scratching a soothing pattern on Richies back, "You really are in love with Eddie. I mean, I should've guessed, the way you guys acted as kids and all."
"Yep, I'm really in love with him.. guess I wasn't all that subtle as a kid huh." Richie snorts. Bev rolls her eyes, of course Richie thought she was just talking about him and overlooked completely when she said 'you guys'.
"Well, what are you gonna do now?" she asked and she took her hand off of his back as he took his head out of his hands and straightened up.
"I have no fucking clue."
"Richie, sweetie, not to invalidate your feelings, but I promise you that our friends won't care that you're gay. Maybe that's a good starting place?"
"You're right, you always are."
"Well not always." she smiles and they slip into a comfortable silence. Then Richie breaks said silence as he always tends to. "What about you and Benjamin huh?" he grins and nudges her side with his elbow.
"Oh my god, shut up!" Bev rolls her eyes once more and laughs, and just like that things have gone back to normal.