an encounter | matty healy

// eight //

it's thursday.

it's thursday.

yes, it's thursday. that's what it says on the auditorium whiteboards, that's what it says on the phone calendars, and that's what it says on everyone i come across.

tomorrow's friday.

tomorrow's friday.

yes, tomorrow's friday. that's what it will say on auditorium whiteboards, that's what it will say on the phone calendars, and that's what it will say on the ticket if i hand it in to whoever in the gig entryway.

i don't want to go, but at the same time i want to go. if i choose not to go, what will i do with the ticket? rip, tear, disintegrate, whatever else the ticket or give it to someone i know that actually likes them.

i told him that i'll be there, or maybe i gave him the impression that i told him that. either way i'll show up, they play their music, i leave, nothing else happens. i won't stay for a chat, i won't stay for a few drinks, and i definitely won't stay the night for whatever reason. i've dragged myself into this situation by letting matty talk to me. i could've not opened my door, i could've kept it closed, i could've ignored him, and i could've been away from my past revisiting me.

but, i had to open the door, i had to talk to him, i had to do it. i couldn't just ignore him until he went away, he'd probably come back the next day. i wouldn't know what to say whenever i'm forced to look at his face.

actually, maybe it's a good idea.

i don't think that it's a bad idea.

it's matty healy, for christ's sake.

girls who are infatuated by him would kill to have what i've had with him.

—

"imagine if he goes all out to try to please you," he chuckled, "and then he takes you to his apartment." it was 5:18pm on thursday, in my dorm room. "collin, that won't happen. whatever you're on about isn't true and it will never happen." i spoke, imaginary smoke made of annoyance blew out of me.

"what if it does happen?"
"over my dead body."
"i have a feeling that it'll happen"

"collin, he can't be arsed to do so," i said, "and even if he does that, it's not like we're dating or anything. he just gave me the ticket and hoped i would be there just for old time's sake. if you actually think that i'm going to have sex with him after that, you're fucking wrong and vile." i let out a breathy laugh and the line went silent on the other end, just subtle breathing. "after everything, do you really think that matty would want that again with me? do you really think that? i'm not in love with him anymore. i'm only going as a friend to george and a friend to no one more."

"you were in love with him." collin spoke. i cocked my head to the side, "how so?" and i stupidly asked, i knew the answer already. "remember the party night, when i was with you outside? you seemed pissed off when he came out, but beneath all of that, i could tell that you were still infatuated by him. one way or another, you're definitely going back to him. it's so clear and so obvious, len." his breathy tone filled my left ear. now, that was an answer i didn't know. "what if it isn't so clear and so obvious? nothing is set on anything at all. you, of all people, should know that by now." it's a good thing he isn't here to see me roll my eyes.

"lennon, just a side note from me. if you ever decide on getting back together with him, don't tell everybody right away. take some time with him to make sure the relationship is what you both want and if it's what you need. then, you can tell everybody." his soft voice lingers around, he's actually right. "that's true, collin. thank you for this. i would stay and chat a bit more, but i have to go. i'll see you tomorrow." i ended the call.