A SMILE IN A WHISTLE

Chapter 43

As warm water splashed over her head and body, Sarah closed her eyes. She had spent over twenty minutes in the shower and still couldn't find the strength to get out. She was hoping the water would wash her doubts away... In vain.

Cooking in pajamas wasn't her brightest idea either. The Bolognese sauce spat everywhere... On the cooker, the kitchen counter and even on her nightwear! No biggie, thought Sarah who wasn't paying the slightest attention to her meal. Her right hand had been stirring mechanically for five long minutes.

When she crashed into bed, Sarah's yellow pillow fell onto the floor. She didn't bother picking it up. For the first time in years, she couldn't care less. Nothing could help her feel better. Not even her lucky pillow.

A horrendous, hefty vibration coming from her bedside cabinet made her jump out of her quilt. Her eyes opened wide with fright, thinking a huge truck had raced passed her window. It was only her mobile ringing... Sam was calling her. She ignored it, then flipped her duvet over her head, in order to forget about the world outside.

Sarah's stomach was in knots as she woke up in the middle of the night. She ended up getting out from under her covers to try every herbal infusion she could find in her cupboards. She stayed up for ages. Unfortunately, no warm drink was able to appease her insides and the unsettled feeling persisted throughout the night.

The next morning, Sam buzzed Sarah one more time. She received his call just before heading to work. Over the past twelve hours, she had refrained from any interaction with her mobile. Her parents had also tried to get in touch with her, but it was pointless. Sarah had no intention to press that little green button until she had put the puzzle of her memories back together. She took no notice of Sam's need to talk and tossed her phone into her handbag.

***

"Kelly told me everything," Rebecca informed Sarah.

Rebecca shut Sarah's office door the moment she had stepped inside. Then, she sat in the empty chair in front of her desk and laid her hands on hers. Sarah's hands were cold and still.

"Can I do anything for you?" she offered.

Sarah shook her head in response. She was ashamed of everything. Her brother, her doubts about Sam, and the fact that Kelly and Rebecca knew about this whole disturbing situation.

"Please, leave me alone..." she asked her colleague.

Rebecca could tell by her wandering eyes that Sarah was disorientated and out of focus.

"I'll check on you later," Rebecca promised Sarah, before returning to her own desk.

That's how Sarah wanted it to be; her office door closed the entire day. The moment Rebecca had left, she looked up "Repressed memories" on Google. Desperate to know whether she had unconsciously silenced birthday traumas, she browsed through all forums and medical websites she could find, hoping they would provide the answers to her questions. When her research fell flat, she sought a psychologist who would schedule appointments on short notice. She found a highly recommended one, Mrs E. C. Wears, but her hourly rate was extortionate... Bloody hell! That's worth a king's ransom! Sarah puffed, giving up on that idea immediately. Come to think of it, John still owes me the deposit for The Dash! Sarah placed both her hands over her eyes and breathed in and out for a couple of minutes. Focus! she told herself, overwhelmed.

By six o'clock, Sarah was utterly exhausted. It had been a never-ending fight to get some work done throughout the day, and she had faked every smile to her colleagues. She even gave her lunch with Rebecca a miss. Instead, she ate alone at City Park. At the end of the day, she went home to an empty flat, still going over every birthday memory she could remember.