Polaroid Love ♡ Jakehoon

Just give up- Part 1

Give up they tell me. His family, my family, probably him too. But... how can I give up on one of the most powerful emotions called love? What even is love? Love for me is when someone adds something so powerful to you that you never realized you needed it until then. Love is when you get something and it becomes addictive and you just wanna replay that feeling over and over. Love is when you become dazed and blinded by the moment you don't even think about what could even come next. Love is when no matter what happens you'll do anything, no matter the cost, no matter the pain, no matter the feedback. It's something you're always gonna keep fighting for even when people tell you otherwise. Even when you've lost hope you still keep trying. Even when you're not your best you're going to keep fighting or trying. Well.. that's what I used to think love was. Although I still stick by and believe most of those things, my view has changed. Love is always gonna be hard. What people don't prepare you for are the heartbreaks and the pain that comes with it. They don't prepare you for the unexpected accidents to happen which make your heart crumble and shred the pieces. They don't prepare you for the feeling that you feel when your heart drops and gets damaged and it feels like it's been stepped on and cut in half and demolished even though it's not attached to you. What people don't prepare you for is that sometimes the love of your life is the one who hurts you the most. But even after all of that I still want him.. my desire is what takes over me and keeps me going. People say, "just give up" but would you really wanna give up on something you've been wanting to have your whole life. Something that you've craved since the beginning. Something that totally changes you for the better and makes you feel at home and at ease. Something called, true love.

- Sunghoon 08/26/ 21

This is my first time trying out a diary. I went to my first and last therapy session on Monday and she suggested a stupid diary to keep to myself. I can barely deal with this myself so talking to myself is gonna help SOOO much. Ugh I can't stand this.

It was currently 7:23 p.m. school starts at 8. I decided to go eat some cereal, I was kinda looking forward to eating some lucky charms but of course the box was empty. Like me now, the me before had everything I needed and wanted but now, now I'm left with nothing. Eh, who cares anymore, im used to this annoying and draining cycle.

I grabbed a breakfast bar and grabbed my backpack and headed out the door. As I was making my way out my sister said when will you stop being in a bad mood? It's affecting everyone, stop being so stubborn and stuck up and realize it's not just you who's suffering.

The fucking nerve she had to say this to my face as if I don't already know. Even so how would she know what im going through? THE LOVE OF MY LIFE REMEMBERS EVERYONE BUT FUCKING ME! Imagine that, being forgotten by the only person you want to care or acknowledge you. Yet here my sister is with her "amazing" jock boyfriend who I'm probably gonna have to deal with at school.

I was about to say something back but then I remembered my camera. I rushed passed her and went into my room grabbed the camera and putting it on my neck. I rushed back down and left out the door. I didn't want to stop and deal with that negativity. Ha, as if I'm not a negative blob myself.

You may ask why do I have this camera. The simplest answer I can say is because it's what keeps the memories of him and I alive. Without this camera or the Polaroids, our memories wouldn't even be real. This, this is the proof that I need to know that everything between us was real. It's my last straw, my sanity, the only physical thing that keeps me motivated.

As I was walking to school I was mentally preparing myself for who I might see or who might talk to me. But apparently I didn't have to wait to get to school to deal with it. I got a text from someone I used to be friends with. Jay.

Sunghoon.. will you ever come back to practice? You don't understand how much we've all been worried about you. You were such a big role for the team and our lives. Look Sunghoon, we've notice your change in attitude and appearance and we're more than worried. We've seen the way you dress is dark and less lively than how it used to be. You look extremely thin and you seem shut off and colder. We don't know how you feel right now since we're not being affected, but just know if you ever wanna come back or talk to anyone we're here okay? We'll give you your space, just please.. take care of yourself.

Jay and I used to be close, before the incident at least. He would talk about Wonnie, I would talk about him. We would go crazy over them and we'd have each others backs. It was an amazing friendship, but life and other things got in the way of it.

I can't go back to the team, even if I wanted to. I used to be captain of our schools rugby team, but he's on that team. Even if he wasn't or I didn't care if he was there or not, I can't help but think that the way I am right now would drag the whole team down.

A leaders job is hard. You have to make a plan, you have to be there for your teammates, and most importantly everyone relies on you. When your in a hard position and your team is loosing captain has to come up with a plan that hopefully works. I can't go back because I can't even support myself, leading others isn't going to help that.

I'll still remember our first defeat. It was championship and everyone was stoked about it.The score was super close, only off by 3 points. We lost because I accidentally pushed a player back while trying to get the ball. It wasn't intentional it just happened. Everyone was so hurt and disappointed, some even cried. My teammates were like family to me, I never want to see them like that over my stupid mistakes again.

Wow, Park Sunghoon, you sure are a loser. Thinking this negativity at 7:52 at night. Sucks to be me, but honestly I can't remember the point where it didn't.

I was literally 6 feet away from hell. I shakily opened the door the go in and I tripped. My camera flew off of my neck and I was too worried about all the memories and moments to care about the pain but I couldn't move. My knee hurt and I could barely move it. I thought I was gonna cry. I thought I've cried so much that tears don't even come out though. I felt helpless, like I usually do.

I was about to give up and lose it there until.. he came.

Woah! Are you okay mate! Let me go get you some help don't move I'll be right back!

'Mate' hah, what a funny thing. Even though my name and pictures are everywhere around the school from wins he still doesn't know who I am.

But, either this encounter is a sign not to give up, or it's a message saying 'he really doesn't remember you Sunghoon, it's time to move on.'

But.. what if I don't want to..