february • eren yeager

003 | february third

two birds on a wire

The cake you made today was pretty nice. I've never had cake before. Where I lived, cake was a luxury for the rich—for those who could afford it. Yet, you made it from the scraps left behind. You asked me for criticism, but I wasn't sure what to say. I've never had anything like this before, so I kept quiet. I told you it was nice. I lied. It was delicious. The best thing I've ever tasted. Sasha would love it— that I'm sure of. She'd rave about it so much that Niccolo would get jealous.

He's a good cook, and I'm pretty sure he's in love with Sasha.

It's very obvious.

I think I've always been an empath.

I've always known when people harboured feelings for each other.

Armin's always had a crush on Annie, even before he inherited Bertholdt's memories. He's always been the type of guy to fall for someone significantly stronger than him. A woman who could kill him. Annie certainly can. Her kicks are a killer. But she's frozen in ice now. So there goes that. Then there's Captain Levi. He is—he was in love with Erwin, our previous commander. He's dead.

There's nothing to sugarcoat. He died before he could even find out about the things he had dreamt of discovering. But when he was alive, I'm pretty sure they fucked. Levi and Erwin. There's no way someone as volatile as Levi didn't take his anger and anxiety out elsewhere. I'm sure if the captain read this, he'd kick my ass. He'd kick my ass anyway. It's nothing bad. You'd worry if you heard about us, but it's just the way things have always been. I'm pretty sure Levi has a hair-pulling kink. He always pulls mine and Hange's hair. But that doesn't matter. At least, not for me. Maybe Hange. I don't know.

     It's not my business.

     And I really don't want to know.

Anyway, Jean (the horse-face) has a crush on Mikasa. I'm pretty it's transcended from crush. He's head over heels for her now. I was, too. At one point. Between me and you, when I heard Jean liked Mikasa's long hair, I told her to cut it short with some excuse like it would get in the way of her training. I can't remember. But she cut it. And I was very smug about it.

Now, though? Now I really wish she didn't love me.

Because I love her. Truly I do.

But not in the same way that she loves me.

She's always been a presence in my life. She's my sister. My best friend. Armin, too.

     The three of us roamed the streets with wonder and curiosity in our eyes, fooling around for some sort of excitement in this fucked up world. 

I've seen images of the future from dad.

The images my future self sent him.

Sasha dies.

Connie will be devastated. Jean, Mikasa— everyone. Even the captain would cry. I honestly don't think I could see him crying; he never cried when Erwin died. It would break my heart. I'm sure it would break the others' hearts, too. Our stoic captain? One of the only parental figures we had? It'll kill us.

But there'll be nothing I can do to stop it. Sasha's death. I know it. This world we live in— fate doesn't exist. God doesn't exist. No divine or supernatural force drives the world.

It's the past that shapes the future. I like the past. I hate the present.

I told you that much today.

You asked me about the present.

I told you I liked making figurines from wood, and that I liked making stories up with a childhood friend.

You asked me about my heart.

I told you it was empty. Hollow. Cracked— I wanted to synonymise it with the broken walls of Paradise. To sound poetic like you. But I couldn't give away my identity—I couldn't risk it—so that was all I said.

You didn't say anything.

You simply reached over and squeezed my hand as we sat on the bench outside the hospital. Your eyes were looking at the birds flying above. I was thankful for that.

You were the only person who understood.

Our hearts don't always have to be healthy.

Sometimes, we just need to survive with a few cracks.