A Beast in Repose

part ii

It's a slow process pulling Jongin out of his shell and Kyungsoo can see the stiffness of anger across his face before it spills from his lips in words that hurt far more than actions could. He does his best to handle it in stride, not take offense when Jongin tells him he's not worth being around before storming out or when cold eyes stare him down like he's less than nothing. Kyungsoo tries to hide inside a shell, let it all run off him without effect because he's pretty sure it's a defense mechanism for the other man. Yet it doesn't stop the hurt when he's laying in bed, nightmares tearing through his mind as viciously as a cerated knife through paper. Sometimes the only way he keeps it together until dawn is the picture of his mother clasped in his shaky fingers.

The morning is overcast and there will definitely be rain soon, deterring Kyungsoo from going out to take care of the roses. When he doesn't have something to pull his mind and focus his attention, the darkness begins to take over. Jongin had snapped at him last night, breaking a lamp against the table before locking himself in his room. A simple inquiry into his life had been answered with violence and harsh words and it's starting to hurt worse with every lash. It wasn't the first time Jongin had reacted angrily with no warning, but it still sends his heart racing as fear takes hold. 

Kyungsoo's surprised to see Jongin leaning against the door frame, an apologetic smile on his face. But it doesn't matter how sorry he appears if he continues to do the same thing over and over. He declares his intentions to be a better person only to retreat into cruelty minutes later. It's exhausting trying to keep up and Kyungsoo can't return the smile. He doesn't have the energy.

"Did you not sleep well?" There's concern in Jongin's voice and in his eyes, but Kyungsoo brushes it off.

"No." His tone is clipped and cold, not lifting his attention from the mug of coffee in his hand. He doesn't particularly enjoy coffee, but he needs the caffeine to keep him alert.

"Can I ask -" Jongin takes a step forward and stops, voice halting momentarily. "You cry out in your sleep sometimes."

The implication that Jongin is upstairs by his room doesn't escape him, but that's a conversation for another time. "I have nightmares," he admits quietly.

"More than one?"

"Why?" Kyungsoo makes eye contact with Jongin, frown set on his mouth as he tries to not let the genuine worry on Jongin's face get to him. "Do you suddenly care now?"

"I know, I know," Jongin concedes. "I keep fucking up. It's just - even before, before all this," he says as he gestures to the scarred half of his face, "I was an asshole. You wouldn't have liked me then either."

"Why wouldn't I have liked you? You can't have been this bad?" Kyungsoo almost regrets his words, but at this point he's tired of the one-sided battle to stay civil.

"I had less of a temper, yes, but I was still an asshole. I was as arrogant as you can get and I made sure everyone knew it. I thought the world owed me and everyone else was only there for my pleasure. I would have fucked you and been gone by morning. That's who I was."

That bit of information leaves Kyungsoo reeling a little and he blinks a few times. "You think I'm attractive enough to sleep with?" The squeak in his voice is damning and it sends a blush to his cheeks.

"Is that really what you pulled from that?"

"Not every day I get complimented even if it's buried in an insult."

"It's not my intent to insult you. I just want you to know I've never been a good person. I don't know how."

"You can start by not breaking anything else. Slivers of glass embedded in my hands aren't exactly what I call fun."