Their forever toxic love

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"Did you just fucking stab me?" he yells out at me violently; I take my phone out and text Mia and ask her to bring me the stuff I need to clean were I stabbed him.

"Do you know who the fuck I am?" he shouts pining me to the wall with his body still holding his side, "what the fuck is wrong with you?" his face is inches away from mine now. "You just fucking stabbed the don to the strongest mafia!" his deep voice boom throughout his office, his hand shaking with anger.    

Realizing the situation I'm in, his body pushing my body up against the wall, him yelling in my face. I feel suffocated, and....stuck like I can't move I'm frozen looking at him his mouth moving, sound coming out, but I can't make out what Hes saying. Looking him in the eye I see anger, pure anger nothing but anger.

I get flashbacks of when he would yell in my face like this, how when I looked him in the eye, I see him look down at me with pure raw disgust, anger and hatred. And man, he would look at me with so much anger and hatred I mean damn how bad could I be for him to look at his own daughter like that. I never did anything but try to be what he wanted me to be.

I feel like that hopeless, desperate little girl who would let her dad yell in her face and belittle her. 

I feel myself start to have trouble breathing, my mouth becoming dry, the feeling of my throat burning, I can't move I feel like my body is glued to the wall breathing hard. I just stand there and let him yell at me.

On the outside my face is emotionless but, on the inside, I feel like my whole body is burning.

  I hear the office door open and see Theo walk in, hands full of stuff which I assume is what I text Mia and ask her to bring. I look back at the man that I just stabbed and walk out, my face giving away no emotion.

I needed to get out of there, but I didn't want to seem like a scared little bitch because, I'm. Not.

Getting in my car I head to the store.

Finally pulling up to the store I grab my wallet and keys, walking into the store I go straight to the alcohol and grab one bottle of tequila and one bottle of vodka, some juice, red bull, some pineapple and head to the register.

Walking out the store I get in my car and head home. The dive home was a blur I just want to get home, I'm so.... I don't even know how I feel I just don't want to feel anything anymore.

Getting to my house I put up the few things I got from the store and go to my room grab the shit I need to roll up and go to the living and start rolling up.

After rolling up two joints I grab my tequila and dump the liquid down my throat, feeling the satisfying burning sensation. 

la vie. (fuck life)

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Groaning I open my eyes and see what looks like my.... ceiling? Fuck my head hurts, not moving my head I try to look around with my eyes and realize I'm on laying on my kitchen counter, what in the actual fuck.

Bring my legs up, I drop them over the side of the Conter in an attempt to jump off but much to my failed attempt I fall. Shit.

I don't want to get up.

Finally getting to my room after falling or almost falling I don't know how many times, I grab my weed and Rellos, and go back to my kitchen to roll up along with grabbing a bottle of vodka.

I know this isn't the way to deal with how I feel but I feel like shit anyway so why not, why would I just sit here and feel like shit when all I have to do to feel better is pour liquid down my throat and smoke a blunt or two to not feel like a total fuck up, I can feel good, free, fresh, renewed, and the best of them all engourdi. (numb)

All the memories I worked so hard to push down, to forget, to not feel like the small useless dumb mistake that I was told I am, are back. All because I got yelled at by a dumb fuck.

I feel so useless like I'm here but there's no reason for me to be here. I have no one, I have no mother no father and even when I did, he didn't care about me I feel like I'll always be useless I mean even as a baby my own dad hated me.

How, how could I as a baby make my own dad hate me, I'm always the problem I was a problem to him from the start, I was a fuck up from the second I was formed in my mother, when he first seen me he knew he would beat me, he knew he would leave all kinds of bruises on me, he knew he would hand me over to men to do whatever to me, to rape me his own daughter all for money, he knew he would rob me of my childhood, he knew he would make my life a living hell.

When I was little, I used to wish he was dead not because he wouldn't be able to hit me, my mom or brother but because if he was dead, he wouldn't have the choice not to love me, not to care for me, or weather he hated me or if he thought I was to useless to him, he wouldn't have a choice to be a father or not but he wasn't dead he had the choice to love me, to care for me, to just be there as a father but he chose not to.

He was alive all my childhood to take it away from me, to make me feel like it was all me, like I made him hate me. I wasn't even five yet for fuck's sake.

He made me want to be dead. I used to fantasize about slitting my throat, taking all the pills I could find, drowning myself in the tub, running in front of any car I see, jumping out the window from the upper part of the house but I couldn't, I couldn't do that to my mom and brother I couldn't just leave them.

I was four when the start of everything got worse, the person that I was the closest to, the person that I felt safe with my best friend, my brother disappeared one day he just wasn't there. I always wonder if he ran and just left me and over time it just stuck with me and formed a grudge.

Dad didn't seem to care which didn't surprise me, but mom would try to act happy around me, but I seen the way she was losing herself, her wight dropping, dark under bags, she was looking less and less happy with each passing day and eventually dad killed her, he said he was tired of her moping around like that was a reason to kill her, kill the mother of his kids like it was nothing. He took her from me, like he did everything with not care in the world like he was just better then everybody when really all he was is a piece of shit, a waste of space, worthless, he had no prepose, his life was pointless.

He stared to hang out with this one friend when I was four and would always follow him like a lost puppy, but he would also always give me to him to rape me, to fuck me like a whore, but I never seen him give my dad money like they usually did, I later found out that my dad had owed debt to the mafia and was using me to pay it.

Feeling wetness drip from my chin to my chest I wiped my face ruffly and took a puff of my blunt, the burning of the blunt sounding out through my house.

Reminding myself that I would forget in a little bit I kept taking puffs of my blunt and drinking my vodka, feeling at ease knowing how numb I'm going to feel just the way I like it, love it.

soo how do you guys like this chapter?