The poems I write for certain people but never will tell

2

What is it about happiness that feels hard
It can be a chemical reacting when you see someone or something?
Doing something that you love, which in turn gives happiness?
Why is it hard to grasp the feeling of being happy?
There's this heaviness and it's always there.
I used to feel nothing and now I have these episodes
It leaves me crying and struggling to breathe
I'm drowning in my own tears
It's not even crying about a person or rather him
I'm the losing the hope to be happy again
I wish that I can have a genuine laugh
I'm slowly expressing that I don't want to be alive anymore
Im trying to hard to get through this pain
Why can't I just l let myself be happy