I am trying, for you.

Our school memories

Our memories during school weren't the best, but it was the one that brought us together.

You started giving me chocolates whenever you can. I find that gesture very cute, but I was taught not to receive gifts from people. So I rejected your gifts often.

You said you don't eat chocolates and that you bought it just for me. I feel like it is burdening because during that time, I am not sure of you, I was never sure of everything. So in my head, if I accept your gifts, it means that I accept you.

It took me a long time to understand that that is not the case, and that you really just wanted to show how much you like me.

And then I got a gift from you for my birthday. It was my first gift that I have ever received that day. It was also my first gift that was different from others. I always received food or a notebook on my birthday.

That's what make it special, that's what make you special.

But it also brings me pressure because no one ever bought pricey gifts for me. And I am bad at buying gifts for people too.

Nevertheless, it was the fact that you remembered my birthday and made an effort to me that matters. I see you, but our last year of school turned out badly that I wanted to erase it from my memories.

But I still kept it, because sometimes, I remember our little things and it made me smile. Sometimes, I remember your effort and it made me smile.

God, I didn't realize love is supposed to be addicting. And it makes me want to run away.

School made me realize that I was never up for commitment. I hated myself for not believing in love, hated myself because I can't imagine myself getting married when my friends talked about marriage. Hated myself because I can't believe in the concept of relationship.

But I still wanted this. I wanted these moments where I am waiting for your text, I wanted these moment where I thought of you whenever my phone lights up. I wanted these moments where you are my good mornings and my good nights.

And then I realized, I wanted you.

And it scares me because despite that, I still hate the idea of a relationship.

So I waited until school's over.