Falling | Olajide Olatunji/KSI

That Sad Day| 25

1 9 T H N O V E M B E R

the mattress seemed to sink the more i thought about moving, the air was still, and for a few moments, i think i experienced true silence. it was strange, knowing today was meant to be the day i celebrated my life on this very earth, but this scornful, diseased earth took my father away on this very day too.

i guess it was easier to pretend that today had no date, that we weren't in november and it wasn't the 19th, and i didn't feel sick to my stomach at the thought of seeing his letters engraved on that stupid gravestone that would never do him justice, that would never summarise how loved he was. how loved, he still is, by me at least.

there are days where i wake up and everything becomes so blurred, like i'm watching through the eyes of someone else. these pupils do not feel mine today, these hands do not belong to me right now. i feel like a droplet in the ocean, fading into the existence of other millions and billions of droplets. and a part of me wishes there was no droplet to begin with, that there was no ocean to compete with and try to prove my significance even though i will never be more than that small droplet, a small speck in the universe, soon to be forgotten.

and maybe on any other day my thoughts wouldn't be so dull, and i wouldn't feel fucking stuck to this bed like gorilla glue freshly dried. i feel so sick that i can't help but retch, i vomit, directly onto the carpet. and i felt the tears welt in the corner of my eyes, god i felt so pathetic.

but it was my long awaited wake up call. silently, i cleaned my sick up, scrubbing until my fingers went teetering on the verge of bleeding. silently i stepped into the shower and tried to ignore the scars on my body from self hatred and years of what i deemed punishment, when really i was just damaged and needed someone to hold me. silently, i began crying, because no matter what i did, i could not change death, i could not erase the pain i had endured, i could only endure it more.

i gathered myself, the best i could. and got into the probably baggiest clothes i had, i didn't want to be seen, my body felt too vulnerable even though no one would know what happened today, three years ago. i fiddled with the loose thread on the sleeve of my jumper, and tried to think about anything but that fucking gravestone with my father's body 6 feet below it. and the first thought that popped into my head was of someone different.

JJ.

actually, all of the sidemen came into my mind. i had lost so much, but these guys had made it more bearable. and maybe, one day i could tell them everything about me. and they could tell me everything about them.

even if they weren't going to be in my life forever, i knew they were a gift i could never replace.

i heard a knock at the door, gentle enough that i ruled out it could possibly be JJ. but it was him. he peeked his head in and grinned. "new sidemen video today, on the main channel, ive persuaded the rest of the guys to take you with us. they didn't need much persuading" he seemed to be buzzing as he spoke.

panic set in pretty quickly, because i had to visit his grave today, and as much as i loved the boys, i don't know if i could pretend to be alright in a video. "did Vik not tell you Jide?" i frowned, lips pulling downwards, "i have to do something important today"

"oh i didn't know, if it helps we start shooting at 6, it's a late one." JJ reassured gently, like he was treading lightly in shark infested waters. it seemed he knew something was off today too.

"okay yeah, i'll be able to make it." i smiled quickly, and collected my bag off my bedside table. "i just need to do something and i'll be free the rest of today." i hurried my speech and movement, hopefully he'd get the memo.

"you're leaving now? ive never seen you in such a hurry." he frowned, "is everything okay? if you're in any trouble i can help ki."

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