Did we trick ourselves?

Not okay

At recess, I calmed down again and hang out with Ted. He's chill to hang out with. When I have nothing to say, he'll just do the entire conversation by himself! Today isn't the first time.

He laughs at his own joke and I try to join him but I wasn't listening to begin with.

Then silence follows.

"Are you okay, mate?", he asks and I look over at him. He does the same fucking 'comedy sketch' every time someone shows emotions, always playing it off. But then again, it does often help to lighten the mood too.

"Not really", I admit since it doesn't really matter what I answer. He's going to answer my reply with the same thing no matter what I answer.

"If you need to talk..." he repeats with that playful insinuating tone. Yes, yes, just say it, we both know where this is going. His predictability is tempting me to laugh before he's even completed the joke!

Then silence, and as I take a better look at him I notice he's observing me.

"If you need to talk then I would listen" he shocks me with. What?? That's not how this conversation goes!

"And there's also the counselor on the first floor in building A"

He's not doing his usual "joking around it" and pretending emotions are lame?

I sigh.

"I went to see her once too", he admits, "she's totally cool".

He smiles. The kindness in his face is so utterly not the Ted I know. And if even he has gone to see her, then that definitely makes me the most closed off guy in our group.

I can't really talk with a counselor or anyone else about shapeshifting, that'll just get me sent to an insane asylum or something. But at the same time I know this fact is just a handy excuse, because I never want to talk about my troubles with anyone either way.

"I just found out that I might be adopted or something, it's a bit of a shocker...", I lie.

Somehow I know without a single doubt, that I'm not adopted. And I also somehow know that nobody else in my family is like me, whatever that is.

"Wow, that's huge news to deal with!" he proclaims, his eyebrows risen in surprise.

"I know I joke around a lot, but there ain't anything wrong with people leaning on each other sometimes". Now he's just rubbing salt in my wounds and proving the point even more, I'm definitely the most closed off one.

He buys some soda out of the nearby machine, and tosses me a juice.

I smile at the juice package. I have awesomely chill friends, they completely respect my preference for juice over soda, unlike my annoying sister that always has to tease me about it!

I rip the seal off and enjoy every sip of the juice. Apple and ginger, very sweet, almost creamy sweet flavor temptingly toying with my tongue.

I'm reminded, yet again, of that night, and Zack holding my breast as he fed me those savory sweet strawberries.

And then dread spreads like an uncomfortable wildfire through my body and mind.
For a moment I get so overwhelmingly scared that I grab my crotch and then relief settles when I find that I'm still a guy!

I'm such a fucking nervous wreck lately!

I hate the loss of control, and not being able to trust my own fucking body!

What if my body suddenly decides to change into female form, in the middle of the changing room showers, full of other guys?!