Did we trick ourselves?

Back to school

I stayed home sick for 2 weeks, before I finally go back to school again.

2 weeks of trying to do what I can only describe as "getting a grip on reality", and then finding myself dumbstruck by the fact that "reality" hasn't changed one bit!

It's me that changed! I'm a fucking idiot sometimes. What a waste of time! 

2 weeks passed, and I wonder if I processed this at all.

All kinds of crazy shit has been spinning around in my head these 2 weeks.

Does this mean that I'm not human? And what about that "man" part of human? Maybe I'm an alien? Am I a man or a woman? Do I define as hermaphrodite? I mean I was probably born as whatever it is that I am...? No, I'm a man! Can I still have the future I carefully planned for myself? What if I fuck someone and suddenly change gender mid-sex, would my dick still be inside her then? How could that possibly happen, I'm a man!! If I ever have a kid, would I be a dad or a mom? A man becomes a dad!!! Can I become pregnant? Omg, how could I become pregnant, I'm a man!! What would happen to the baby when I suddenly shift into male form? What if I wouldn't switch back before birth?? Could I maybe shapeshift into a red balloon and fly away with the wind? 

At the same time, I feel the exact same as ever. And I ask myself if that is a good sign, or if it's a sign of denial?

I laugh at myself, not with myself.
Finding this fact funny, I laugh out loud again. Like a crazy person.

"Dude! You've been gone a long time!" I hear Zack's voice shouting out to me, and I look up from my daydreaming.

I see him and our buddies Ted and John hanging out over at the benches, and walk over to them. We're hanging out, the way guys do! 

I try smiling but they probably all see straight through it.

"Must have been some nasty flu you had" John says compassionately, his eyes full of kindness. He is definitely the most feminine one of us 4! He always cares, and it's been more than one occasion where he told the 3 of us off for 'disrespecting girls'. 

"You wouldn't believe it!" I answer. 

"Did you barf blue?!" Ted throws into the conversation and then answers himself and continues with telling another one of his outrageous stories that can't possibly be true, this time about a girl and a clown and some seriously fucked up sexual activities. 

But then again, shapeshifting can't possibly be true either!

Ted and John leave first, as usual. Ted flipping us off as he walks away, laughing as he continues telling John something that I can see makes John cringe. 

At least those two are the same as ever, that's somehow reassuring.

I look over at Zack and realize we're now alone. His fake smile and flickering eyes tells me he's feeling as uncomfortable as me about us being alone. 'I got half a mind to give you half a half of my mind', John and Ted, for fucking abandoning us alone together!!

"You WERE a girl, I'm not gay!" he repeats himself. 

I'm not a girl!! 

"What makes you think I give a damn about your sexuality!" I throw at him. "You fucking fucked me! Take some responsibility!"

I walk away with huge strides, as the realization quickly hits me of just how much I just sounded like a girl! Fuck how embarrassing!!

My fists still clenched in anger at that idiot! This wasn't my choice! It just fucking happened!

We've been friends fucking long enough that he should know me better by now! Like I would willingly fuck a guy no matter if I'm a shapeshifter or not!! And even less to let myself get fucked!!!