anhedonia

9-10-21 || 2.

dear diary, entry 9-10-21

      my phone alarm goes off filling my room with the piercing noise that's become a relative part my already repetitive day. i feel as if my body can't move when i wake up.

snooze
snooze
snooze
snooze

        finally, i cant push it off any longer i get up and i am greeted by the disappointment of my messy room that i know i won't have enough energy to clean for at least the rest of the week. i stand up and just look around.

is it really worth the excruciating amount effort it takes to get ready for just another twenty-four hours of  surviving.

       i hesitantly ready myself for the day. i almost put on my skirt i want to wear but i know when i look in the mirror and see my disgusting body in it i'll just take it off. it's not even worth putting on, i cant waste my valuable energy on that. it's another day in the same hoodie i wear everyday, i used to wear another one everyday but after the painful memories i can't bring myself to wear it.

     as i wait for my ride i sit back and put in my airpods for a few minutes of thoughts.

am i too young to be so sad
will there be anything good that happens today?
will i stay clean for another day?
is 145 days even that long?
would i regret relapse?
how many calories can i eat at breakfast with physical education and dance after school?

      i hear a honk outside and i look out at my friend in her car. i almost feel alright for a second. i know i will only ever feel a breath of somewhat fresh air when i'm with any of my friends. as i go out to Jordan's car i appreciate the sting of the cold air on my skin and in my lungs.

       arriving at school is such a drag in energy. i am only glad to see my friends at our breakfast table. as we all head up for breakfast i think about the calories in what i'm going to eat. i choose what i feel safest eating and the moment and sit down. of course of my friends and i have something to say.

moments like these are like breathing in fresh mountain air.

———

          i hate school, i hate most of the people, my classes, and most of the teachers in this building. the worst class has to be math, i've always been good at math but as i fall deeper into a hole i can't get out of, the deeper i get in being lazy and not doing work and the less i start understanding stuff. going to math just makes me feel dumb anymore. my teacher says i do really good in her class but i feel as if i can't do good enough still and i feel as if i don't belong to be with such a smart class of people that will do something with their life.

———

    the only thing that gets me through the school day is the last class, band. i'm not a band kid by any means but it's another breath of fresh air, at least most of the time. it's where all my friends are and where i feel so free. on another hand, it's the class i feel the worst when i don't understand something. when i don't understand something about one of the few things i enjoy i beat myself up on it. i hate feeling dumb.

———

      i wish i could tell you more about my day but i mostly forgot today, i guess you only get an insight on my everyday life for today. some days will be more exciting i promise :) <3

-annalise :/