The Last Valkyrie

Uncertain Future

Cassian finishes reading the letter and looks at me. I am not sure when my head leaned on his shoulder or when I started silently crying. As he finished reading I started sobbing. Knowing this was the last of Meg I would ever find. Finally coming to terms with the fact Valkyrie died. Even though I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, I couldn't hold the sorrow anymore. So I cried. I whimpered and shook, sobs serving as the biggest proof of my heartache. I'd give it all back. Give this miracle of a gift back to get them back.

I am not sure how long I cried. Was it minutes, or hours, or days. Cassian let me. He didn't try to comfort me, other than his hand caressing my head. Being the warrior, he knew what is loss. And he realized I have lost all of them in a split second. We stayed there for a while, until I started to calm down, my soul feeling heavy and empty.

I sniffled, "Thank you for reading the letter to me."
"I am very sorry for your loss." He offered condolences knowing there isn't much to say. If he was shocked by the content of the letter, of the gift, he didn't show. This was a regular Thursday evening for him.
"So, what do I do now?" I asked, for the first time having the freedom to do anything I want and not really knowing what to do with myself.
"Well, first you are going to take a long, relaxing, hot bath. Wash away whatever you can from the last day. Then, if you feel like it, we can have a meal together. But I understand if you don't want to eat. The choice is yours."
"Yes. A bath sounds wonderful."

He takes me to the upper floor and shows me to a room that has an adjacent bathing room. That was the largest bath I have ever seen, but I supposed it was designed that way to accommodate their big wings. He sets up hot water for me and steps out for a moment. He returns with some clothes.

"Take all the time you need. From what I see, you are still human, so don't let the water get too cold."
"Okay. Thank you."
"If you need anything, just yell, I'm nearby."

He leaves me alone and I undress, setting aside filthy, ripped clothes. I enter the hot water and slowly submerge myself completely. Ah. I must have imagined the last day because this feels as I truly died and went to heaven. I lose myself in thoughts while I scrub the filth. I think of the rituals Valkyrie did for their lost ones. Maybe I can try doing something similar to honour their lives, to mourn for them. I don't deserve to be one of them. But that was madness. I am not a Valkyrie. I don't have wings. So the spell must have gone wrong. I rationalize to myself. Meg wrote me a letter. Bittersweet feeling rushes through me. Sad I'll never see her again, happy I have something from her. The letter and her pendant. She always wore that pendant, as her good luck charm. Meg, I miss you so much.

A knock interrupts my thoughts. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"
"No, thank you", I say quickly hoping Cassian won't enter. 
"Okay. I'm going to go prepare something for us to eat. You don't need to rush."

The water has become a bit lukewarm so I leave my bath to dry myself and get dressed. Cassian brought me a long deep blue dress. It doesn't fit me well, but I am grateful I have something to wear. I hang the pendant around my neck and look at myself in the mirror. I see some more changes from the last time I've looked at my face. All of them are subtle, but still there. My eyes are even lighter. I think I'm even taller. Are these the changes from human to Valkyrie? Since the reflection in the mirror didn't bother to answer any of my questions I go to find Cassian.

He is in the dining room waiting for me. Sandwiches in front of him.
"I am not sure what you like. I made chicken sandwiches."
"Oh, great. I will try to eat a little."
He starts eating but I interrupt him with a stupid question.
"Are my eyes weird? They seem lighter."
He looks me in the eyes and his look lingers there. His gently smile touches his eyes. "Your eyes do seem lighter, now that you mention it. But weird? No."

I shrug and grab a sandwich. Small bites, just something to eat, so my mind has fuel for life.

"How are you feeling?" asked Cassian adding, "I know that's a very stupid question considering everything, but I'm here to listen if you want to share anything."
"I don't know. I wanted answers today and I mostly got them. I'm excited, I'm in pain. I feel like my brain will burst because I can't deal with all these emotions."
He stayed quiet as if to urge me to share more.
"I guess I should be grateful. And this Valkyrie change Meg talks about in the letter. How do I deal with that? I'm just a human. Do you think they made a mistake?"
"Valkyrie don't make mistakes. After reading the letter, I'll ask around the library for some information about the spell. I've never heard of it, but that's not too weird. What's weird is that nobody knew you were in Velaris."
"Do you think I'll grow wings?"
"Would you like that?"
"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore."
He stares quietly at his sandwich for a moment and then said, "You know what. Take it slow. We will learn everything in time." He shoots a brilliant smile at me, "How about this. Pick a name for yourself."
"Any suggestions?"
"I'm not getting involved in that big of a decision. The choice clearly has to be yours. But I am sure whatever you pick, will suit you."
"You'll be the first to know, Cassian", I say with a small smile.
"I'd like that." He finishes his sandwiches and got up to the kitchen. After he returned he casually asked, "Sooo... What do you want to do? Take a walk? Talk? Maybe you would like to sleep a bit? All options are open."
I push away my plate, not managing to eat anymore. "How about a short nap? If I manage. I feel like tomorrow is going to be a big day again."
"Sure. You have your room, and my room is next to it. In case you need anything. In the morning I have to leave to meet Rhys and probably head to the Illyrian camp so I won't be around. But someone will come to keep you company."
"You mean to watch over me?"
"No. I just don't think you would enjoy being alone in a place where you don't know anything. However, if you do feel like you could use alone time, just say."
"I don't mind the company."

We get up to go to our rooms. I halt him just for a moment. "You know, Cassian. Today you have been there for me and you have been patient and kind and I am very grateful for that. Thank you."
He smiles at me and takes a few strands of my hair in his hand. "Your hear looks much better after that bath. And don't mention it. I'll be gone most of the day tomorrow, but I'll try to see you in the evening. We can have dinner again together and chat a bit."
It feels strange to have his attention like this. For him to touch my hair in such a gentle manner. "Okay. See you in the evening then. I'll cook something. Good night."
"Try to get at least some rest", he says and closes the door behind him.

As I lay in the warm bed I started crying again. And I cried out all the feelings that have bundled in me since I could remember. My slavery, the torture, the lashings, the rape, the loneliness. After I was done crying about my sad sorry ass, I started to cry about my lost friends. As tears streamed and soaked the bed I whispered each and every Valkyrie name and said a prayer hoping they'd found harmony in their eternal rest.