The Dark Days

Chapter Three

 Mama had salted the fish and packed it in the ice box while Nana cooked up the vegetables in a stew. It was agreed that I'd deliver six fish to the food stocks tomorrow and then head back to the river. The other two would be kept for dinner tomorrow. If I caught at least four fish a day, we'd have enough to trade and give to the Food Stocks.

"Lord Barrow had a point, Jane. You place this dirt on your face whenever you go into the street or you hide under your father's cloak. How do you expect a man to choose you to be his bride if he cannot even see you?" Nana sighed heavily, clearly frustrated. She was a bitter old woman. I loved her dearly but sometimes, I wish she would stop seeing a wasted potential financial scapegoat when she looked at me.

Nana was a proud woman and it burned her that she now lived in a three-bedroom cottage, a hundred times smaller than the massive house she'd owned before. Mama had been her only child. And when Mama married a penniless fisherman from a village trapped between two rivers, Nana knew her great fortune would be lost once her husband died.

And then it did. Grandpap died and her village wouldn't let her keep the house unless another male took her husband's place as its patriarch. Papa would have done it but he was already dead at that point and Nana was forced to move in with us while her house was sold. The sum of the sale had been the only money given to Nana.

Nana became bitter after the last of her money had been spent and she became as penniless as the rest of us. Mama, having lived a frugal life with Papa, never needed to make any major changes in our lifestyle after Paper died. But Nana, who was only accustomed to the life of luxury, had been overcome by many anxiety attacks in the first few months.

"We spoke about this, Nana. Jane is not an object to be given off in exchange for money or luxury," Mama narrowed her eyes at Nana before I could argue with her as respectfully as I could, "I'll remind you that this is my husband's house that you live in and the fruit of my daughter's labours that fill your belly every night."

Nana scrunched up her face and didn't say anything for the remainder of the evening. Her silence was meant to be a punishment but more often than not, it felt like a boon. After dinner, Isaac and I cleaned the dishes while Mama and Nana retired to their respective rooms for the night. Isaac had been all too eager to give up his room when Nana moved in with us. All so he could have me as a roommate, for whatever that was worth.

I didn't mind, he didn't snore. And if he woke before I did, he was quiet as a mouse. After a quick bath, I told him to kiss Nana and Mama and then head to bed. It was my turn to take a bath.

Isaac left the kitchen and I emptied the water from his bath to begin heating buckets of water over the fire and refilling the bath for me. It was an effort, but a bath was always worth it, especially in winter. I dropped lavender leaves and vanilla in the water. I couldn't afford perfume, so I scented the water that would wash my skin. Once filled, I pulled the tub in front of the fire, to keep the water as warm as it could get, then took all of my clothes off and slid into the warm water.

I hissed at the heavenly feel of the water against my cold body. I slid under the water until I was completely submerged and let the water warm every cell in my body. The water above my head was a mix of my black hair and the air bubbles that escaped my mouth and nose.

Breaching the water's surface, I picked up the soap and loofah and began scrubbing before cleaning my hair too. My hands, I observed in the firelight, were calloused and my arms, and legs, were lean. I'd done everything in my power to fill the void Papa left in our lives and still, I didn't think it was enough. Even if the physical evidence on my body suggested the limit I had reached. I was doing every single thing I could, except being married off, to keep my family alive and healthy, but I would always be disadvantaged by the fact that I am a woman.

Lord Barrow all but threatened us to bring in our share to the Food Stock. Mandated that we bring it in. And maybe he had made that mandate for others too but that was extremely unlikely. We were a manless household. I would always be a girl until I got married and my husband spoke for my family. Isaac would always be a boy until I got married and my husband showed him how to be a man because he was raised by three women.

I hated this world, I hated that my family would forever be looked down on unless I sacrificed pieces of myself to fit into a world that wanted me to conform. I hated that I couldn't find it in myself to do it anyway. Any other girl would have gotten married as soon as she was of childbearing age if it meant her family would be looked after. Except me. I wanted to rage against the injustice of it all. I wanted to rage against these idiotic ideals and burn it all to the ground.

Leaning back against the bath, I stared at the cracked terracotta ceiling of our shabby cottage and let the rage at the unfairness simmer beneath my skin. Eventually the water grew cold, despite the fire, and I knew it was time to dry off before there wasn't any warmth left.

With my hair still wet, I braided it into a crown around my head and started emptying the tub while the embers were still burning in the fireplace. It would keep the house warm until morning.

Shouldering my way into my small bedroom, I fully expected Isaac to be asleep but his eyes were open and staring unfocused at my bed. "Hey, you okay?"

"Why won't you marry?" His voice was soft, soft enough that I didn't want to lie to him. So I lifted his blanket and cuddled up next to him, letting my warmth seep into his shivering bones. "Well, if I get married, I'll have to go live with my husband. If I do that before you become a man, this house might get looted and you all might be homeless. I'd rather not see my family without a home." It's a lie, of course. But I didn't know how to get him to understand that I refused to bow down to what society wanted of me, not when I should be capable of doing these things on my own anyway.

Isaac ruminated on my answer for so long that I'd thought he'd fallen asleep but then he said in a meek voice, "I'm sorry I'm not growing fast enough, Jane."

I laughed, flicking his nose, "Don't you dare grow any faster than you are. As long as you stay this pace, I'll get to be your big sister a little bit longer. If you go too fast, I'll miss it."

"You'll miss it more than being a wife?"

"I have my entire life to be someone's wife. But one of these days, closer than I'd like, you'll be bigger than me." A day when his voice would be louder than mine, in our house and in our society. Whether he would let that change the relationship between us or not, was not an answer I wanted to know.

As we lay in his bed, Isaac was innocent and pure. I could only hope he stayed that way.