tangerine (katsuki x reader)

tangerine

it was visible to Katsuki, the stardust that imprinted itself right above your cheeks. the words that kissed your lips as you whispered to him:

"i love you."

not quite a promise, not quite an answer. it was enough to ignite millions of little lightning bugs in his stomach. they twisted and turned until his eyes fluttered downwards to hide the crimson blush that raged through his body.

it stung him inside his heart, breaking down the tough shaped exterior he used as an excuse to hide his vulnerability. it worked on everything, everyone but you. and for a split second he panicked, fear tickling his feelings as he felt his edges start to soften. it was uncomfortable but not an unwelcome feeling; and for the ocean of absolute terror he felt on keeping that wall up, it was taking all of his strength to not cave in on himself.

but it wasn't a parasite. the way your mouth curved to breathe each syllable was intoxicating and he wanted to memorize it. he wanted to study the glossy look in your cinnamon eyes (goddamn those cinnamon eyes) and capture the feeling, lock it in a vault that resides in his heart and tuck it away for when the hurricane came. storm katsuki always left collateral damage.

but you were beautiful and thick with intricate secrets just waiting to be poured. with your eyelashes folded down, he dared to take a second look.

and his world shattered.

time slowed to a stuttered stop as he sucked in a sharp breath. he teetered right over the edge of complete mystification and transfixion and into a riveting state of euphoria. your lips pursed as you waited for an answer, patience was not a common virtue for you, but today he got lucky.

and he wanted to answer. soul, mind, body, whatever you wanted he would oblige; take off the crown and bow. but he was stuck, body shivering as he searched for the right words. i love you t-

"I-" he cleared his throat. reality starting to tick back in.

cinnamon and vermillion collided as your eyes snapped to his. and once again, katsuki had to remind himself to breathe.

don't be a fool, his mind scoffed, you know how this ends

the lump in his throat grew and his heart started to tuck itself back into place.

no, no, no, his soul pleaded, don't give up now.

his eyes grew heavy with sorrow, hands twitching, anticipating the break down, the solitude. but your eyes never left his, holding on to whatever hope you had left as you roped your hands around his neck to pull your foreheads together.

he took this moment to close his eyes, a kindling of enthusiasm starting to form behind the sub-zero temperatures that kept his heart secured in a paralyzing prison. 

eternity graced him, but the blackened soot that fell from his thoughts did not.

emotions lead to weakness.

a real man never has feelings.

those are the weights keeping you from success.

don't you have a reason to trip, paradise doesn't come to those who fail.

how can you be great with things to lose.

quit? and die.

"Baby, I-" he started again, only to be grounded.

"You don't have to-"

his gaze found yours again. eternity really did last a lifetime.

you took a deep breath: "You don't have to say it back."

and that should have been a comfort. those words should have been a safety net for him, allowing himself to  drift his exhausted soul to sleep. but instead, they made him feel hollow. the disappointment that kicked through your words, pulled on the heart strings he was sure he had burned through.

"N-no please, I- '' pleading himself to continue, the bandages fell as crimson started to seep from the bullet holes, "I-I'm terrified."

sincerity wrapped itself in a vice grip around those words as they pulled desperately from his mouth. the admission was almost childlike, fear tethered him to strings and played him like a doll. but, relief accompanied the monsters that started to sneak out from under the bed. it did as it always does, holding his hand as he walked slowly towards the light switch.

your eyebrows pressed together as you held his gaze, a new emotion sticking through your grip on his neck. adoration, amusement, love, it ricocheted off your fingertips as you padded them along his cheek.

curiosity poked at your cheeks, "Of what?"

a simple question with a deep, complex answer. and his eyes stung with tears as he looked away, lips forming the words but his voice failed him yet again.

and he tried to think of a way to explain how love was a foreign place for him, a nightmare he often awoke from at night. it  had never been kind to him, only ending in a painful syrup that drowned him in loss. it was always sweet at first, until it rotted him from the inside out, taking all inhibitions, pulling him into the deep, obsidian pit. out of all the monsters he faced, love was the one who scared him the most.

but that confession was overheated and limp. it was weak and he had already plucked out enough of his ego.

little lights flickered in his stomach, but this time they pricked him. cactus tongues licked through the lining in his fingertips. this feeling was familiar. this feeling was okay, this feeling was comfortable.

but it was poisonous. it sunk his mind into the drunkenness of agitation and anxiousness. it made him dizzy with an emotion he tried to avoid at all costs: guilt. he pulled his head back to hide the droplets that had imprinted themselves on his shirt.

"I'm scared of the beginning." he whispered, "and the end."

you thought for a moment, six white scars toyed with the rings on your fingers. he had counted them one day in math class, although he never had the courage to ask you where they were from.

"But, you're not scared of the in-between?"

his shirt was becoming an umbrella. his throat was stiff.

"How could anyone not be terrified of the unknown?" you finished.

and before he could answer, without hesitation, without a thought, you kissed him. lips melding to conform to the hollow shell of his heart, filling him with a bright passion. it was beautiful and fragile, but it made his stomach flutter and twist with glee.

the sweet scent of your wildflower perfume hit his senses like honey, lazily dripping through the cracks in his skin.

this is it, his soul sighed, this is what love feels like.

it felt a lot like tangerine.