Personified

The Calm and Ever Caring

"Mary... would you like to pick up were Anna left off?" It's probably 2 a.m. We are both night owls sometimes. Mary sitting drinking her tea and reading a book titled 'The End of Grief'. I'm just pondering Anna again, thinking about if she knew this was going happen to her. She somehow always knew the strangest things. She knew how which bees to collect to use for a new hive, or when the herbs were ready. 

Looking back is the weirdest thing, I remember moments with her that I thought were fantastic, but now I'm a way older and she sounds almost made up. The part is, they really happened. She used to say "Lewis, it's natural to show compassion when you don't need too." The last time I spoke to her she changed it up, I forgot the context, but she said, "A part of caring is knowing when not to do anything about how much you care." I still don't know what she meant exactly. It wasn't like her to be mysterious. Well not the last time but the last thing she said that struck me as something I should keep in mind. 

I don't like my train of thought. "Mary... did you hear me? Hun?" "Lewis... I don't know if we could do it like she did. She just had a way with all the kids, and I don't know if we could pull it off" She just kind of shrugged the idea but I can tell it will definitely be a thought she will remember. "I think we should really consider it. In fact, we could try with Markus."  She looks up at me with a little grin, "If you can get him in our house, in two weeks. We can start doing what she did full swing." If I can get him to feel safe in our home, I can do anything. 

God where would I even start. I- I could try Anna's house. I'm sure there will be something about him there... if I can even bring myself to walk back in. 

I can tell Mary is going to get worried about me. She can see the "thinking face" as she likes to call. She's right to be worried. It's not often someone visits Anna's house. Nor thinks they can do what she did so well. "Lewis. Don't do something that you aren't ready for, for someone else... Please. Especially not for someone who we all know wouldn't want that from you." I'm finally ready to sleep. "I won't." But I'm not ready to give up on Markus. Or Anna. 

I, for the first time in a long time, had a dream. It was of me while I was very young, around a year after Anna had taken me in. It was actually before she took Zach in. She was just talking about something, likely some life lesson. "Blej Fom ge Hal Coe Le", Obviously she was talking in dream gibberish. I'm talking back like I understood each word, but the voice nor words were not mine. "It would be impossible to keep doing what you do without facing the reality you know. These children are not for you to raise, they are supposed to be mine." Then Anna just looks down and my view is burned away. Last thing I from here from her is "They are mine and they won't stop being mine. Even if you managed to take me away, they will still be mine." "So be it little witch, you will not last long with having something that I want." Then each corner of the room start burning away like dry kindling. It worked its way to throughout the room and the heat was unbearable, more so the closer it burned. It worked its way up Anna and I's legs and the heat was even more incomprehensible. It wasn't pain it was closer to the feeling you get when you stand to close to a campfire and the heat feels like its fiving you a sunburn. This flame was different than any real heat, it felt like as it burned the more the flickering flamed fingers would pull. As the flames worked there way up my body, I could feel the intoxication of the heat hitting me, it felt warm but that kind of heat you never want to leave. It was getting painful, but the warmth wasn't worth extinguishing. It was captivating and becoming all engulfing as it reached my fingers. By now I knew I needed to put out the flame but now I just couldn't stand the idea of feeling the cold. Now the real pain of the inferno engulfing me is apparent, but it's just acceptance at this stage. Now it's at my eyes and all I see is the flames. Only fire. 

I woke up in drenched clothes. Sweat. With a cold feeling on my head. "Oh holy shit, You're finally awake. I was starting to think to call a doctor in." "What-", startled by my absolutely unfathomable dream I try to get up, but Mary pushes me back on the bed with ease.  "Lewis you are burning up; I swear to god you looked like you were attacked in your sleep, screaming and yelling about Anna and some other 'voice'." I do my best to calm down.. but it won't be happening. "Mary. Listen to what I'm saying. I need to go search Anna's house; I know it's just a dream, but I have a feeling. Please." Now she looks more then concerned. "Lewis what's going on with you. Zach, Markus, then wanting to follow in her steps, now this. What the hell is going on?"  I don't know, but something is eating at me. Either way I'm not sure I want to continue anymore, . "Mary, I'll be okay. Just a bad dream." "Lewis..-" "Mary. Nothing is wrong with me. I promise."

"Honey.. what did you dream about?" I breath. I'm a lot calmer now. "It was me as a kid at Annas, but not me. Different voice talking about her adopted kids not belonging to her, then just fire and confusion." Mary just nods. "I'm sure it's just your memories of her. You've had a lot of reminders recently. With Zach and Markus."  That's the part I don't know about. I know I have heard that conversation and voice. It's practically still screaming at me.  "I don't know. This feels much to familiar. The voice. The words. Even the flames look like I've seen them before."  I'm not going to let this go.  Alot of who Anna was didn't make sense, I hope the answers are as simple as I'm wishing.

I have a chance to find to make Anna's death more than a victim to a kid who lost his shit.