Personified

How Unbearable

It's really hard to think when you don't want to get out of bed. Even harder to think when you have an alarm clock that makes your ears begging for a rights movement. "Screw this, why should I care about 'making a life for yourself' or 'why it matters to be productive'" I say aloud to myself like it matters. The only person I've ever met that actually believed it mattered is my childhood 'sister' Emma. She is egotistical as hell but can do anything she believes makes her better.  Then we have me, Annabel, too smart but couldn't care about much more than eating and sleep. Never the right amount of either might I add.

I wasn't always this 'hermit-y'. I left my old 'moms' house; failed to acclimate to people, mom died. I forgot how long ago, but I lost the only person who I knew held confidence in my existence. My mom helped my brain be a temple, but now it's a prison. 

Ugh. I need to stop thinking about Anna and get out of bed. I reach around and slap the utter piss out of my alarm clock. Then, I actually might get to work on a project. I guess remembering Anna does help my motivation. I'm what most people call a tinker, I work out problems. I'm also certified as one. Recently, I sold a diagram of guard armor to the Capital's Executive of Arms. Basically, a really well-paid Quartermaster, he paid me enough to last years until I have to toss another diagram or invention.  I'm somewhat known to most of the officials in the capital. 

The armor is actually worn by all guards now. One of the squads that patrols near my house always has one person wearing it wrong. It absolutely grinds my gears. Speaking of that, I see the squa-wait. It's only one guard now, it's the handso- one that never wears my armor right.  Why is his squad not with him, should I ask? No, it's not my business, but he might need help.  But it's still guard business. Screw it. I'll just offer a drink, I'm sure he is thirsty. 

"HEY? ARE YOU THISTY?" I am now regretting my entire existence. He's a guard. He is more likely to charge me odds are. Oh shit, he's walking my way now. "Yes. I am. My name is Zach, Yours?" "Annabell." He smiled and downed the glass of lemon water in nearly a single swig. "Zach, where are your other patrol members." He sighs. He has had a hell of a day. "I fucked up and found myself on the bad side of my captain. Made me run my route on my own for a week." I gasp, depending on his route that could be a death sentence. "Oh god, that's... just dangerous." "You're telling me. By about day three I expect to get into a few fights. I'm not that worried. I can handle the week." Well damn, he's defiantly confident in his ability. "Would you like a bite to eat on the road?" What the hell am I doing. It's not even my problem. "Actually, yes please... Ma'am, I missed dinner today, Capt. Regis didn't see it necessary." "Wow, is that common?" I handed him a sack of dried meat and nuts. "Thank god. Lifesaver, and yes, for me especially. I'm really bad at butting heads with those I shouldn't." Zach rubs his head and solemnly exhales. Yeah, he reeks of defiance and bravado. It'll get him killed; I give him a 36 percent chance of making it through the week.  "Thank you, Annabell. You made day one of this a bit easier. I'm sure I'll see you tomorrow. Nice to meet you." He flashed a nice smile and went on his way.  I'll be surprised if i see him again. Sucks to be analytic. 

I just sitting on my front steps now. Watching the trees sway in the wind, I guess. I doze off but wake up in time for daybreak. "Annie-Babe, you okay?" "I'm good Ann- WHA-" I'm stunned. "Hush. Hungry?" She gestured me back inside, I follow. "So, I see you met Zach finally?" I'm speechless my lips, hand, my brain is trying to grasp at a level of logic. "Bell, honey are you okay? You look like you've seen a.. you know what. Never mind" All I can say is, "Fuck." "Language, I get you are a 'big' girl now, but I definitely didn't teach you that word." I'm just starring now. I have to be dreaming.   "Zach was actually my second kid. You were my third, Gosh I miss those days. You were so giddy to work on plans for my beehive." "Touch my bee's and I'll make sure you don't get honey for a week." Anna laughs. "I did say that didn't I" This is absolutely insanity. "Annabell." Now Annas nice tone vanished.  Almost instantly Annas gone in a puff of embers and smoke. "Just follow the embers," that is what I hear, but I heard it behind me?

Okay, I now follow what is obviously some form of psychological break, OR I CAN STAY THE FUCK HOME. I hope to god I hope I have some of that old gin. Ironically, the gin was a gift from Anna for moving out. NO. NO MORE ANNA. I run and grab the gin and take a deep ass swig. What the fuck is going on?  About an hour later. I'm now drunk off my ass. Legitamatly, am amazed I'm conscious still. "I wonde-r." *hiccup* I grab the bottle and slowly glaze over it all. Then I see it, 'EMBERDOWN GIN' right on the label. "Maybe... Hmm. Maybe this was a afterlife call to pursu-" Shit.. out like a light. 

"Shit you look like me after I came from home the other day." Zach said to me as I'm still dry heaving into the sink. "I know," If he saw the equivalent of what I saw he'd be heaving too.  "What in the world were you doing last night?" "Drinking.. and I don't regret it." Seriously, hoped I didn't remember my seeing the spirit of my murdered parent. Looks like I did, because Zach definitely noticed I looked a bit freaked out. "Are you sure? Your door was open when I walked past.  Walked closer and here you were on the floor holding a bottle of gin." He just shrugs. "Oh don't judge me. We all have our issues. Mine, just happens to be sleeping arrangements." Can't forget about the literal ghost I saw, but Ghosts can't physically exist. Don't get me started on the science of death or the debunked superstitions this country is rattled with. Or religion. Or 80 percent of the smaller towns beliefs. "I'm not judging, I even bring my own flask on calm days on my routes." I just focus on not vomiting for a few seconds. "You know Marybell-" "It's Annabell" "Sorry, are you sure something didn't happen last night? It's not common for people to leave a door open all night. Especially in the Winter. " Okay now he is just calling me dumb or a liar. I am neither of which. "Yes, everything is fine." I finally let myself hurl. "You'll be getting home late if you stay any longer get on you route." "You are very right. I'll stop by tomorrow. I'll even bring a bottle of my own gin for you, It's never a harm to have a drink on the job. Right?" He walks out the door, but on the way out. I hear him say something about smelling rosemary. Weird... 

WAIT A DAMN MINUITE.