Who doesn't love a subtle attention?
It is so embarrassing to admit that I love attention, not too much but subtle. Moreover, if it comes from the one who I have crush on. Who doesn't love that?
To think about it again, probably I craved for attention because my parents didn't really gave me. And probably because I am used to live as an independent person. I rarely gave so much love, but when I do. I am obsessed. I am an extreme polar, I can't do things in between. It must be too high or too low, too hot or too cold, too obsessed or too ignorance. My life is such a dichotomy.
This person that I currently discovered that he's actually a soft-boi, whom I supposed to be really aware of, has broken my heart.
Things that really broke my heart is actually myself and it's hurting pride. I mean, it turned out I couldn't even protect myself from being swayed off and proceed to confirm my feelings and its rejection.
This person once I considered the closest friend of mine. He gave me the irresponsible attention that I needed. He was there when I needed someone to talk to. He sometimes flirt with me. He even gave me daring and loving look when I was tired. We also had spent a lot of time by just the two of us talking. He really provided me comfort.
Since the beginning, I was actually aware to not too get involved with him. But I found comfort in him. I saw him as the person that I can trust. Though at the same time, he also played push and pull with me. Which continuously put me under hesitation. That's when I decided not to even tell him what I feel. Days became so hard for me because I like him but I don't want to ruin my life and our friendship. It was beautiful friendship.
But the moment is finally coming and I thought I don't want to regret my decision for not telling him what I feel these two years. So yeah, I bought him a gift and wrote a letter of confession. I wasn't even asking him out. I just wanted to let him know that I like him and that's it. And sending him good luck in a new place.
But truth is...
He dumped me, it feels like he finally won over me because I was swayed. And that I fell into his trap. Then he didn't even say thank you or contacted me if I didn't start. Like...
A decent human will just spit rejection to my face and I can handle it. I was friendzoned, I was rejected. But getting dumped because I fell into a soft-boi's trap is just another level of pain.
So, what made me really furious and embarrassed was myself. Because I was too foolish to understand and took control over my action not to embarrassed myself. Sigh. Big sigh.
