Initially I hate him to the guts, for whatever he's done to me.
Hate is a strong word and the last time we met he asked me not to harbour hate. How could I? If you ask me now, I don't hate him anymore but I couldn't ever forget what he did to me. It's just I never really stopped being a fool. I never stopped being manipulated, I guess.
After what we had been through, now that I listen to what he explained to me, I got softer. I guess he knew exactly which button to push and voila! he got me again. Straight to the core. That's just how I fell again. All you need to do is push the right button and you've got all of me.
I don't know what kind of feeling is this. But I do find comfort. I don't want to fell into the same hole again, but here I am being a stupid irrational person once more. Maybe because I want to keep that comfortable place to my self. Maybe because he gave me the attention that I needed. Maybe he lent his ears for me irresponsibly. Or maybe I became too dense and ignorant. That I believe only I can give back the comfort he also seek.
Now that you ask me, do I love him? Nope. Do I like him? Yes, as a friend. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? Probably. It crosses my mind that if he has nobody to go home, I'll be his home. But will he become my home? I don't know. That's exactly my problem. We're so similar yet so different. We want to be someone else's back when we know not everybody wanted to be with us.
"I want to be with you when everybody doesn't want you."
"If you got nobody who loves you, I will do that for you."
"You have my shoulder to lean on, my ears to listen to you, arms to hold you, and lips to kiss you."
I wanted to say those things, it's never going to happen.
We care to each other but we also hate each other. This is the first time I realise that maybe, maybe there's another universe where we actually can be with each other. There will be another universe where we can embrace each other in warmth. There will be another universe where we actually can go strong, just us against the world.
In this universe, such things never happened. I deeply understand that it's near impossible for us to be each other's strength. And how fool I am. How fool I am to be so forgiven and so understanding. How fool I am to give my all. How fool I am to be me. How fool I am to let myself fell once again.
I am irrational indeed. And I know that I just hurt myself over and over again.
