28th September 2021- letters to my ex

The beginning of the end.

September 28th

I remember that night so clearly. I asked you if you were losing feelings for me. 'If im being honest I think I am'. That absolutely broke me. I was looking for reassurance from my boyfriend and instead a stranger replied. I had a feeling it was true but I couldn't believe it. 'I still care about you and like you but I just don't know if I love you anymore' you broke my heart. It's been broken before but this time it felt like it was shattered beyond repair. I don't think I can ever forget the feeling in my stomach. My heart ached for hours. I sat there in the dark crying thinking of I way to salvage our relationship, holding on to the ounce of hope I had left for us. You said I should come over to talk things through the next morning. You gave me hope. Fuck you for giving me hope. You were my idol. I loved you more than I loved myself. I would've done absolutely anything for you and I think sometimes I still would. I came over and I was crying. I saw your mum talking as usual. I knew straight away I was going to miss her so much. I walked up your stairs one last time. Sat cross legged on your bed for the last time like the first I came to your room. You sat down beside me and I broke down. You then also began to cry and I had to comfort you. Telling you I don't blame you and everything happens for a reason. I gave you one last hug. Cradled your head and rubbed your soft hair one last time. I remember my eyes skimming over all the pictures on your wall of me knowing that as soon as I leave you would take them down. I took all the things that were mine that had been living in your room over the last 10 months and opened my arms one last time for you. You accepted and wrapped your strong arms around my waist as I placed my chin in the nook of your shoulder. I always thought we fitted perfectly together, like a jigsaw puzzle. Like we were made for each other. I realised this would be the last time I could hold you and took a deep breathe trying to compose myself and followed you out of your box room. Before I walked out I turned around and took everything in for the last time. Your tv and PlayStation you spent ages trying to teach me to play, your window sill where you kept all my jewellery I'd left, your wardrobe where I'd spend all my time trying to steal hoodies without you realising.
Your bed.
Your bed where we were each other's first. Your bed where you talked about all our problems. Your bed where we made up after our first argument. Your bed when I held you while you cried into my chest for the first time. I remember rubbing your back wishing I was the one in pain instead of you.
I walked down your stairs for the last time and heard your mum coming towards us. I knew I would miss you mum so much but I never realised how safe she made me feel until she was also gone. I remember wiping my tears and giving her a smile while putting my shoes back on. i regret not giving her a hug. For the last time I turned back around and pouted my lips expecting one last kiss. You didn't give me one. Instead you also pouted your lips and I laughed treasuring my last memory of you. I picked up my school bag and closed your front door.
You told me later on that after I had left you walked to your mum and cried in her arms.
I didn't have that luxury. I had to walk down the road to school. I called anyone of my friends. No one picked up until someone did. She ran to me and I buried my head in her shoulder and sobbed. I was never one to cry infront of people until that day.
The rest of the day you walked past me like you'd never known me. I cried in every lesson. You saw me cry and never came to comfort me. You seemed fine. I saw you laughing across the room while I was crying. That hurt me even more. Making me think everything was a lie.
I sat down at lunch and couldn't eat. I felt sick to my stomach. I would normally eat lunch with you and talk about my day so far. I would normally have been greeted by back hugs from you but I had to get used to you not being there for me anymore. I just remember my friend's conversations dying out and throwing my head into the palms of my hands. I cried like I'd never cried before. I couldn't stop. I missed you. I missed your smile, your hands, your scent that was so familiar to me.
I thought things couldn't get any worse until they did.