the day i met a krab named starbucks

Chapter 1: Cows can swim

After my boy Jesus walked on water, the cows decided to follow him and were like "bro omg so quieky 😍"
The cows bandwagoned and decided to copy Jesus 😒 except they failed and swam since they couldn't walk on water.
Albert Einstein decided to make an experiment on why cows couldn't walk on water. He wondered why they couldn't walk on water like how Jesus did so he decided to call his one and only friend Vincent van gogh.
"Hey, wassup my guy!" Albert Einstein screamed excitedly.
"Leave me alone. I'm busy painting a new artwork. It's gonna be magnificent..I'll call it the 'mona lisa' it will be a hit, ''Vincent said as he ate and drank the paint water thinking it was the water "yummy water".

Meanwhile, I was swimming and minding my business that day when suddenly, I was getting kicked by a bunch of cows who were following Jesus but then lost him and now were aimlessly wandering the ocean. This historic event would go down in history books as "The 87 days stranded at sea" (they didn't live very long but it was surprising to say the least that they lasted that long). This event is better known as the bite of 87 as throughout the 87 days, the majority of the cows were eaten by sharks. Dead or alive, we don't know but they slayed and that information will forever be lost to time.
"Bruh" I said
"Moo" The cow replied
That cow was 9 year old Susie Buckingham the 3rd who would later die that week due to dehydration, a fate her family and many other cows would experience during the 87 days stranded at sea. Her body, like many others, was never found.
I went to eat some plastic straws. Sadly, humans are throwing less garbage in the sea so I have less food :/

As the day finishes, I went to stop by to see my dad, the turtle from the hit Disney movie Finding Nemo, and as I looked to my right, I saw some humans taking my sea turtle eggs. although I am a male i think 'I wonder why they do that?' I thought. "Maybe they wanted to take care of it? Or they want to play with it. But who knows. But can they at least give me some straws? I'm starving here !!" I screamed in my head.
Suddenly, my neighbor, the shark comes over and is like "yo wanna get some ice cre-" and proceeds to choke and vomit up a crab
"Yo" the crab said, flamboyant as he was covered in vomit. I think the crab was attempting to do a peace sign but since crabs have a claw, I couldn't really tell.
"I wanna go get some ice cream, can i join yall" said the crab
"No." Said the shark "I don't have money do I look rich to you. But if you want you can pay for yourself"
"Bruh" the crab said "aight Imma head out then" the crab proceeded to attempted to crawl back into the sharks mouth and failed
"Ayo what do you think you're doing-"
"Going home- didn't you eat me? Take me back-"
"I'll pass. When I ate you, I was signing up for a meal, not a roommate who shares my body. My body is a temple but it's certainly not a home and even if it was, which it isn't, I'm not willing to share my body"
"I see how it is"
I, the magnificent sea turtle frozen in fear not knowing if i should join in or just stare at the two arguing.
"Hey so-"
"My body my choice, find a new home you mr krabs wannabe. it's not my fault that you got robbed and bankrupt the same night during the night of your own circus show" the shark said as he went off like as he should #slayy #girlboss #stantheshark

"Look here. Hm, I am a small as a crab! The ones that robbed me were the sea urchins and you know how the sea urchins are there? They're spikey as hell. Do you want me to freaking die from a mf spike ?? I had no choice but to just let them take my things !!" The crab yells back at the shark

I, the magnificent sea turtle, will take a break from this argument as I will get my own ice cream.

It has been two hours and they're still arguing about house rights. I stared at them, eating my ice cream.
"It's because I'm RED ISN'T IT?"
"No tf-"
"Then tell me why!" The crab said
"Ain't nothing but a heartache" the shark sang
"Tell me why!" The crab sang too, confused
"Ain't nothing but a mistake"
"Tell me why"
"I never wanna hear ya say, I want it that way"
"JESUS BE SERIOUS FOR ONCE TELL ME WHY" The crab yelled
"Did someone call me?" Jesus asked "since im here..are you guys good? Have yall been praying? Going to church every sundays.."
"Im an atheist" the shark and I, the super cool turtle, suddenly said at the same time.
"damn" jesus said disappointedly
"Mr. Jesus you can breath underwater?!" The crab said
"I can walk on water so of course I can breath underwater my child. I'm just that cool"
Suddenly, out of no where, there was a giant crash sound. Everyone looked in the direction of the sound and saw a huge ship. It was the Titantic and it was sinking fast.
"I'll never let go" Rose said to Jack. She sneezed and accidentally let him go.
"Bruh" Jack said as he sank
Those would be his last words.
"Dang it be like that sometimes" Jesus said. "Well anyways, gotta go lol brb"
He would not, in fact, brb. He would never be seen again. This was known as Jesus's last sighting which was only witnessed by me (a cool sea turtle), a crab, and a shark.
Ariel from the hit DIsney movie The Little Mermaid gasped and said "OMG LOOK A NEW SHIP 😍🥳" and quickly swam over it, pushing the dead bodys away from here. "Outta my way dude I'm tryna get me some new dinglehoppers" she said in a demonic voice that was many octaves lower than how her voice was just a few seconds ago. I mean, she does sing but dang her vocal range-
Everyone stared at her in horror.
"Anyways-"
Suddenly the shark had a horrified look on his face and yelled.
"Swim away swim away!!!"
Confused, the crab and I (the totally swag and awesome sea turtle) turned around.
We saw a confused scuba diver who had a net in his hand.
Before we could think, he scooped us up.
"I don't know how legal it is to keep a turtle and a crab in an aquarium but I'm sure you'll both have a fun time in my aquarium!" The man said.
We looked at the man and then we looked at each other and then we looked at the man and then we looked at each other. We repeated this process about 53 times before screaming.
"AHHHHH"
"AHHHHH"

I sheepishly and lazily opened my ORBS and looked around. I didn't even realize I fell asleep. It takes me a few seconds but I realize I don't recognize where I am. I seem to be in an aquarium of sorts...
Oh god.
Suddenly, the lights are off and the only light there is, is the red light emitting from the volcano.
There were a bunch of fish chanting. Something about...fishbait?
I swim over there.
"Yo wassup-"
"AH-"
Everyone yelled except for the tiny clownfish. He seemed to have a smaller fin.
"Hello! I'm Nemo"