Hate To Want You (18+)

35| let it out

G I O V A N N I

I couldn't get the words out of my head since that dreadful day. It was harder to forget the look on Astrid's face when we were told of the situation. She just sat there, her mouth slightly parted as she processed the news. I expected to cry like I did but she just stared. It was almost like she didn't hear what the doctor said. But he told me that this is a normal reaction for women in these situations.

"I'm sorry, Mr Pierce and Ms Bloom but you had a miscarriage. You were six weeks pregnant and the fetus couldn't handle the amount of alcohol intake in the body, therefore..." He didn't complete his sentence because we already knew what he was saying.

"Astrid, did you know?" I asked, while she sat upright as still as a statue, not even blinking. She shook her head 'no' which made the matter worse because this was going to stick with her forever. She was going to blame herself for killing her—our baby.

I didn't bother going back to the office, instead went home. On the way home, I tried to convince her that it wasn't her fault. She didn't know, hence she wasn't to blame but the only response I got was a hum while she stared out the window of the car. She didn't say anything when we got home, she just went upstairs, not to our room but back to the guest room. I understood she wanted space, so I gave it to her. However long she needs, I will be there waiting.

I didn't know who to talk to about this, so I called my mom. "Hi, Gio, what's going on?"

The second I heard her warm voice, I broke down instantly. The tears that I held in to be strong for Astrid just came pouring out. "Mom, Astrid had a miscarriage today. Neither of us knew that she was pregnant."

"What happened? Did her body just not accept the pregnancy? Did she get hurt somewhere? What?" I loved that my mom didn't think it was something Astrid did because she knew accidents happened.

"No." I told her what happened and she let out a heavy breath and told me to be there for her every step of the way and remind Astrid that it wasn't her fault and things like this just happened. I knew what I had to do but for now I was giving her space and watching from a distance.

"I'm sorry, honey."

"Thanks, mom. Do me a favor and not tell anyone about this. Dad? Sure, but Blaire, Eli and Sibyl? No. Please." I begged and agreed that this was something that we needed to do on our own. After we hung up, I cried some more with my head in my palm and checked on her, relieved to find her sleeping.

That was good. Her body and mind needed to rest. I went to my room and tried to get through as much work as possible until my body couldn't handle anymore and I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night, not particularly hungry, but a part of me was telling me to go downstairs.

I saw Astrid pouring the tequila into a glass and bringing it to her lips. She paused and brought it away, looking at it until she let out a gut-wrenching scream and threw the glass at the wall. She grabbed the bottle and threw it on the ground, my feet rushing to her on instinct to make sure she didn't hurt herself. She sank to her feet, loud sobs escaping her throat. This was it. This was the breakdown she needed.

"Gio, I—I—"

I sat beside her and pulled her into my chest, not caring that she was soaking my shirt with her tears and snot. She needed this. She needed me.

"Don't talk. Just let it out. I'm here for you. I'm right here." I whispered in her hair, combing my fingers through her hair in a comforting way. Her body shakes as she cries harder. There was a heavy feeling in my chest like someone was drilling a hole in it. It broke me to see her like this but there was nothing I could do. Tears leaked from the corner of my eyes but I wiped them away quickly, trying to be strong for her.

"I killed our baby. I didn't know. How could I not know I was pregnant for six weeks, Gio! It's my fault. I'm a murderer." She cursed herself through the sobs. Her chest heaving up and down quickly.

"You are not a murderer and this is not your fault, darling. Maybe we should take it as a sign from the universe telling us that we were not ready yet for a child," I tried to console. "I don't want you to hate yourself for this, Astrid because I sure as hell don't."

"Do you remember when we met and you asked me what I want most in the world, and I told you I wanted to go to space. I lied. A family is what I want most in the world." She pushed away from me and looked at me with wide, red and puffy eyes.

"How could you not hate me? I took your dream away! I killed the one thing you—I killed our baby." She wrapped her arms around the legs she held to her chest and rocked back and forth, tears still streaming down her cheeks and landing on her shirt.

I smile through the tears, despite feeling my chest tear open. "Nothing could make me hate you, darling. This could happen to anyone but we were unlucky ones. We don't need a baby right now, Astrid. We have our entire lives ahead of us until we're ready. I love you and this tragedy will not make that any less true."

"I don't know what to do, Gio." She said so softly I had to strain my ears to hear her.

"You don't have to do anything. Come back to bed with me, sleep in for as long as you like. If you want to quit and not work ever again, I will support you. But until we come to a final decision, we will take it one day at a time. Together, you hear me? Look at me, Astrid."

She lifted her head to meet my eyes and the light that was once in her eyes dimmed and she nodded, "Together."

31/01/22    (I made history and broke a record for myself and wrote three chapters for a book. That's the most I've ever written for a book in my life. And all it took was to not watch tv and get off tiktok 😂)

Au revoir...

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