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Chapter 4:

John leans towards my face. He grabs my face roughly and pulls me in so tight I definitely feel like I'm going to just fall apart.

No, no, no. It feels like a black cloud rushes over me and knowing that this is all that's left for me. I give in to save myself and kiss him back.

He pushes his pelvis harder into mine and I feel like I'm gonna vomit. He will not kill me today. I will make him trust me and find my moment to escape with Nelly.

John guides my lifeless body over to the bed near Nelly. "You gonna be good for me or do you want the chains", John asks. I shake my head. I can't even move my mouth. It's like I've lost my voice officially. My hope and fight has left. He took the rest.

He starts taking off his clothes and I just watch with a blank stare. A fog overtakes my body and I can't feel anything. I know he enters me but I'm far away.

It's like I'm on the outside looking in. Each thrusts and I'm thrown back to his black eyes. Were they dark like this in the bar? I can't remember. The bar seems like ages away. Will this ever fucking end?

All of a sudden it's like whiplash and John throws me into the doggy position. This time I think John doing that awoke me a bit. I can feel his thrust now. It's like tiny knifes digging into my cervix without warning.

I let out a little squeal which makes this asshole pump harder. He grabs my hair and pulls.

I've had my hair pulled plenty of times in my life due to cat fights. This felt like he was gonna ripe my whole scalp off.

John starts thrusting harder and harder and faster and faster until boom I feel his fucking swimmers shoot their way on up, like my fucking vagina and uterus is the sky during the 4th of July.

John falls over on me letting out a huge sigh. Gosh, I want to smash his face in. How dare he fucking take all I have left of myself. How dare he.

I was getting out. I was gonna finally get away from my parents toxic home life and I'm facedown after this shithead rails me when I wanted to scream at him to get off.

John gets off me and hugs me in his arms. I curl up and feel the last piece of myself bury into John.

John just rubs my arm, like what he did was so normal. So human. Rape isn't even remotely human my dude.

If he could see my eyes I bet they'd just burn into his worthless soul. I've never been good at hiding my emotions with my face. My words and actions have always been able to lie, my face can not.

John kisses my forehead which in a way is comforting and kinda unexpected, gah fuck him. He literally raped me and is now rubbing my arm and kissing my fucking head. I push him away and dash out of bed.

"What the fuck are you doing Amanda", John's menacing teeth just grind.

I just look at him and freeze. Fuck, my body is so fucked up. John steps towards me and grabs me by the neck.

"I said whatever I fucking want, and you agreed, you enjoyed having sex so the least you could do is cuddle and spend time with me. Pretty soon it won't just be us".

I look at him as he so aloof blurts out basically that he's gonna impregnate me. I'm fucking eighteen, he's at least forty what is going on?

I have to convince myself to play his game. I don't want to be stuck being pregnant by man, but what if I fight him on this.

I'm not sure what's worse, letting him do what he's gonna do to me and get pregnant but earn his trust and escape or go against him and be killed.

Maybe, dying wouldn't be so out of the question. Maybe it would be justice to this fucked life of mine. Go out in a bang. Always knew I would.

I don't know what to do, but I can't be pregnant with this crazy mans baby. I won't be.

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John seems to be so relaxed laying next to me after having three more times with me. The last one he had me fucking lay upside down with my legs up against the wall to help elevate everything to help me get pregnant. Fucking dick.

Stayed that way for about an hour while he watched fucking Bonanza. Fucking gun slinging idiots. My dad used to watch that garbage. I would have maybe been okay to watch it, I'd rather be with my parents anyways then John.

John looks over at me and smiles. Okay, dick I'll play. I smile back at him.

If I wake about a month from now pregnant I'm taking those chains and turning this into a South of the states hanging.

I bet some people are screaming no don't kill the child. What rather me bring it up in this? With this crazy bastard. Do you know how impossible it is to get charged with rape? And then, we get pregnant and y'all are screaming at us to not get rid of the babies. We are trying to get rid of ourselves and everything that connects us to what has broken us for the rest of our lives. But hey, you do you.

I believed in life too until I was raped. Imagine how a kid being born through rape must feel...

John will do with me what he will but I don't think I can live if he forces a child into this fucked up situation too. I feel like it'll be more cruel.

I look over at John's sleeping body and get up to pet Nelly.

"How can he sleep at night Nels when he has two queens locked up here",I whisper.

Nelly nuzzles my hand and plants her head in my lap. I pet her head and know the only good thing I'll ever get out of this is if I escape and take this sweet dog with me.