From birth I knew I was different and no it wasn't my mother leaving me that really messed me up until later on that is.
Kindergarten was when I first noticed it, but of course I was young then, so not much changed
I know kids avoided me and never really wanted to hangout with me, and I could read faces of others quite well.
Every morning we would sit in a circle and single the famous ABC's song, that I hated at the time, because I never really did sing it with the whole class, somehow I remember this, I also remember stealing a toy from that class that I still have with me today...
Of course kindergarten wasn't the worst of my worries, honestly I wish I could go back to it, the school I was going to at the time closed and I went to a school much smaller than the one I was going to that was further away.
First grade was when the bullying began, I had major anxiety as a child I still do but not like I did when I was younger at this time I used a horrible coping method and that was to get on my hands and knees and act like and animal, unfortunately I didn't grow out of this until the end of third grade.
First grade was when I knew the difference between Allie and Enemy I had one friend at this time who also did the same thing with me I remember her name but for privacy purposes I am not going to state it, she had short hair and freckles, I think? Of course its been years, I don't remember that much.
When I say the bullying began I didn't know it was bullying it was verbal and physical but we were all kids, honestly the worst part about this grade was the morning walk and the card with sticks on it with each classmates name green being good, yellow being moderate and red being the worse = phone call home, we also had planners so we had to mark the color we got for that day I would constantly get yellow, but I'd mark it green just so my parents didn't beat the shit out of me when I got home.
second grade... This was one of the most eventful grades I have had besides high school, I remember there being two girls a blonde and a brunette, they were like opposites the blonde was really rude and would hit me if I acted like an animal, she said it was "bad" and I shouldn't do it, while the brunette didn't care and was just generally nice. Of course when I said this was the most eventful, I used to draw a LOT as a kid and most of the time I went off imagination well one day I don't know why, because I don't remember, but I drew a gun and a guy shooting a person and it was quite detailed... Unfortunately the teacher found out and a whole bunch of things happened for instances I had to go to therapy, but I think that was for a different reason, but yeah I got into big trouble for it.
Third grade was when trauma really set into place and the bullying really picked up the kids started doing this funny little thing where they would say my (dead name) and call it my name touch. Kids would run away from me often I never made friends in this grade, because nobody wanted to be around me which I don't blame them honestly, I was weird. This grade was when kids could go on field trips like once a week to learn how to swim and me being quite young and not exactly traumatized yet did the worst thing a child at my age could of done, like I said I had a hard time making friends, so when someone actually acted friendly around me I took that in personally, there was this one girl in particular who wanted to play a game with me.
This game was playing in the lockers at the swim place, Yeah playing in the lockers of course I didn't think anything of it until the end of the day when we were playing it and instead of the girl letting me out she left me in there and the worst part was, I was naked it sounds ridiculous, but as a young kid I didn't think about how bad clothes were needed until after that incident then I just became super insecure.
The worst part is at this time I was quite suicidal not too my myself but towards others I wanted to hurt people or myself, it wasn't really bad until fifth grade.
Fourth grade, was and has to be the most boring part of my life, fourth grade, I don't remember much of it, but I think this was when my depression started I gained a lot of weight throughout this year.
(TW...)
Fifth grade, was when everything changed besides the constant bullying I learned that I wasn't very feminine, even though I was born female. I loved dirt, bugs, animals, gaming and absolutely hated anything female, the female colors, the clothes, the makeup, the masculine things were all the highlight of my life, and was honestly the only thing keeping me alive then too because my depression resulted in a bad coping method, cutting. I didn't know what I was doing at first, but I kept it well hidden. This grade was also when I learned about the male body and how you can become trans, I wanted that so badly, but I was too afraid to mention anything about it.
